You choose to yell out loud: "YO! LET ME IN! I'M HERE TO KILL SOME DUDE WITH SODIUM-CHLORIDE FOR FINGERS!".

From a towering tower that towers above another tower, you start to see some sparks going, aaaaaaaaaaaaaand you're dead. Zapped. Toasted. Good job moron.

You try to open the gate.

Well. Honestly. What in the living hell, would make you think, that some demon-worshiping dudes in a dark fortress of black metal (Yea, not Norwegian black metal tho), were just gonna let that massive gate stand open, for any fella with a death-wish? You gotta have an IQ below 75 or something. Try something else, fool.


Go to:

1. If you wish to yell out: "YO! LET ME IN! I'M HERE TO KILL SOME DUDE WITH SODIUM-CHLORIDE FOR FINGERS!"
3. If you wish to look for an opening or tunnel or something. Heck, even a mouse-hole will do.
4. If you wish to yell out: "YO! I'M VIP BRUH!"

You choose to go look for another way in.

After walking around the fortress 57 times, and staring at some gargoyle, that clearly has a problem with you staring at him, you come to a conclusion, that there is another way in, and that is through a small, narrow, stinking, sewer-hole, that will probably end up at a dookie-exposal hole within the fortress.

Will you take this way or find another way in?


Go to:

1. If you wish to yell out: "YO! LET ME IN! I'M HERE TO KILL SOME DUDE WITH SODIUM-CHLORIDE FOR FINGERS!"
2. If you wish to try and open the gate.
4. If you wish to yell out: "YO! I'M VIP BRUH!"
5. If you wish to continue through the sewer-hole.

You choose to yell out loud: "YO! I'M VIP BRUH! LET ME IN BRUH! I'M FREEZING OUT HERE BRUH! BRUH! I NEED TO DO THE THURSDAY SACRIFICIAL KILL TODAY BRUH! DON'T MAKE ME CHANT NON-SENSE CLERIC CHANTS AGAIN BRUH!".

You hear some mumbling behind the gate, and suddenly it opens up. Before you stand 3 deformed monk-looking dudes. One of them asks you:

"So, are you father Pepapigger?".

They look with judging eyes on you.


Go to:

6. If you wish to say: "Yes, now GET TO WORK! Where's the 500 gallons of human blood I need for the ritual HUH!? AND WHERE IS THE INNOCENT VICTIM!? GET IT ALL SET AND DONE, NOW! IMBECILES!".
7. If you wish to say: "Pepapigger can lick my shiny metal blade, you boys are shish kebab".
8. If you wish to say: "I came here, to play tennis and purge the wicked. And there is no tennis here".
9. If you wish to say: "Hi, I got a question for you gentle-men, have you found Chinesus Clist yet?".

You choose to continue through the sewer-hole.

It smells like batman's guano down here. The stench does remind you a bit of home though. Ahh yes. The sweet trash that you and your goblin mates always bathed in back at the tavern... those were the days... 3 days ago... yea...

BUT OH OH. WHat's THAT!? IT'S A 'RATTIGATOR'! The horrible hybrid of an alligator and a big, fat nasty rat. How did that happen? Well, better ask Steward Little or something another day. But one thing is certain. You're gonna have to fight this rat-boy.


Go to:

10. To fight the "Rattigator".

You choose to reply with "Yes, now GET TO WORK! Where's the 500 gallons of human blood I need for the ritual HUH!? AND WHERE IS THE INNOCENT VICTIM!? GET IT ALL SET AND DONE, NOW! IMBECILES!"

The cultists look with confusion, but also with a bit of fear and shame at each other, then back at you;

"Uuuuuuhhhhh, uuuuhhhhmmm... But.. but... wasn't it meant to be on friday!?".


Go to:

11. If you wish to say: "No you bloody morons! IT'S TODAY, CYSTFACES! GET GOING! CHOP CHOP, 500 gallons of HUMAN BLOOD, INNOCENT BLOOD ONLY, AND THEN GET A CHILD OR A WOMAN OR SOMETHING FOR THE SACRIFICE... DAMN IT! DO I REALLY HAVE TO DO BLOODY EVERYTHING MYSELF!?"
12. If you wish to say: "Oooh... Heh, 'bummer' haha, no worry laddies, just lemme get to my chambers tho, k?"

You choose to say "Pepapigger can lick my shiny metal blade, you boys are shish kebab".

The cultists gaze at you with unbridled rage:

"NO ONE SAYS THAT ABOUT PEPAPIGGER! KILL THAT DUDE!".

You're in for a fight bro.


Go to "13" to fight the cultists.

You choose to say: "I came here, to play tennis and purge the wicked. And there is no tennis here".

The cultists are frightened, but they pull out their teeny weeny sacrificial daggers, that are made for poking soft pathetic beings (such as kids...). You gotta slay these bozos.


Go to "13" to fight the cultists. AND, decrease the damage they do to you, the first time they hit, by 2 damage.

You choose to say: "Hi, I got a question for you gentle-men, have you found Chinesus Clist yet?".

For your religious comment, which had NOTHING to do with this RPG, you INSTANTLY LOSE 5 HP FOR THIS FIGHT. This is not the place for your religious blabber, "Saint Stupid"... Now can we PLEASE, continue playing without you preaching about Chinesus? Clist sake...


Go to "13" to fight the cultists.

You "choose" to fight the Rattigator... lol...

Oh look at that! It Just died instantly! Just skip this fight. Lol. NOT.

Rattigator has 35 HP

+ Infectious to the bloody bone, When the Rattigator hits you with any attack, you take 1 damage every round for 2 rounds after the attack. This effect stacks (So if it hits you two times in a row, that means the round after the second attack, you will take 2 damage just from the infection). Armor does not prevent this damage.

+ Tough armor... with hair??? The Rattigator starts with 3 armor, hahahahaha.

(Remember to play the "passives" and "abilities" of the encounters, otherwise you're just cheating... loser...)


If the dice rolls:

Roll 1: The Rattigator bites you, cutting through your armor. Tough luck. You lose 2 HP.

Roll 2: The Rattigator has its jaws down, and you go in for a strike. Choose 1 option:

1. option: You go for the head. Roll again, if you roll 4 or more, you hit it with a secure strike, dealing 2 damage. However if you do have a set of daggers, you can roll once more after the attack, if you roll 5 or 6, you make an additional strike to the head, dealing 2 damage. Both attacks are not affected by its armor.

2. option: You go for the back. Roll again, if you roll 4 or more, you make a blow to its back, dealing 3 damage. However if you do have a battle-axe, you also lower its armor by 1 for the rest of the fight. This effect stacks.

3. option: You try to flip it over, and strike its belly, where the skin is softer. Roll again, if you roll 5 or more, flip the Rattigator, and deal 5 damage. If you roll 4 or below, you get bitten, and lose 6 HP. However if you do have a shield you only have to roll 3 or more to flip the Rattigator. This attack is not affected by its armor.

Roll 3: Rattigator does a tail-sweep. Depending on how much armor you have, it LOWERS your chances of dodging this attack by 1 per 1 armor. Roll again, if you roll 2 or more, you jump over the sweeping strike. If you roll 1 (Or more, depending on how much armor you have), you get bashed for 5 damage.

Roll 4: The Rattigator tries to charge you from a puddle of water. Choose 1 option:

1. option: You stand your ground, and try to attack it, by slashing it inside the mouth. Roll again, if you roll 4 or more, you slash the inside of its mouth, and deal 4 damage. If you roll 3 or less, you get grabbed by its crushing jaws, and lose 4 HP. If you get grabbed, roll again, if you roll 2 or more, you "just" lose health, however if you roll 1, you DIE.

2. option: You roll to safety. It's really not that hard to do.

3. option: You try to sidestep and get a quick strike in. If you roll 3 or more, you succesfully dodge, and hit the Rattigator for 2 damage. If the roll was a 5 or 6, you also get to lower its armor by 1 for the rest of the fight and deal 1 additional damage. If you roll 2 or less, you get grabbed by its crushing jaws, and lose 4 HP. If you get grabbed, roll again, if you roll 2 or more, you "just" lose health, however if you roll 1, you DIE.

Roll 5: You make an awesome quick slide n slash. You damage the Rattigator for 2 damage.

Roll 6: You sprint towards the Rattigator, as it opens up its jaws, and the gabe is unreal, that bite is gonna be pain on a new level. ABORT MISSION! ABORT! Depending on how much armor you have, it INCREASES your chances of dodging this attack by 1 per 1 armor. Roll again, if you roll 5 or more, you stop sprinting, and don't slide into its jaws. If you roll below that, and don't have enough armor to slow you down, you get crushed in its jaws for 6 damage.


If you die: You die.
If you somehow get to live to tell the tale, that you fought a Rattigator without getting "rat-tail"-measles: Go to "17".

You choose to say: "No you bloody morons! IT'S TODAY, CYSTFACES! GET GOING! CHOP CHOP, 500 gallons of HUMAN BLOOD, INNOCENT BLOOD ONLY, AND THEN GET A CHILD OR A WOMAN OR SOMETHING FOR THE SACRIFICE... DAMN IT! DO I REALLY HAVE TO DO BLOODY EVERYTHING MYSELF!?"

The cultists start running around in the courtyard frantically, shouting, screaming and crying at eachother.

"You idiot John! You were SUPPOSED TO REMEMBER WHEN PEPPAPIGGER WOULD ARRIVE!".

"MY FAULT?! Oh hell no, it was Walter's fault! He thought he could go buy a shake n bake demonic sacrifice tomorrow noon! He was REALLY insisting!".

While the cultists are distracted in preparing the sacrifice, you walk inside the fortress. As you walk inside, there's a long, dark, hallway, lit up by candles only, because that's how you make things spookier. And then there's a stairway, going down, deep down under.


Go to:

14: If you wish to walk down the hallway.
15: If you wish to delve downstairs.

You choose to say: "Oooh... Heh, 'bummer' haha, no worry laddies, just lemme get to my chambers tho, k?"

"You're not Pepapigger! This man is a fraud! Kurt! Hans! John! Walter! Kill this imbecile!"

Says one of the cultists. You're in for a monk-fight.


Go to "13" to fight the cultists.

You choose to brawl those demon-worshipping cultists.

The cultists get ready to stab 666 holes in your pathetic weak body. What are you gonna do about it punk?

Cultist no. 1 has 8 HP
Cultist no. 2 has 8 HP
Cultist no. 3 has 8 HP
Cultist no. 4 has 8 HP
Cultist no. 5 has 8 HP

When you get to damage or kill a Cultist, you choose whatever Cultist it should be.

+ Numbers Matter For The Splatter, whenever a cultist dies, and there's another cultist still alive, the living cultist will call for aid, causing ONE new "Cultist" to emerge and fight. These cultists summoned by the call for aid, have 8 HP each, and respond, and should be treated, as the other cultists combat-wise.

(Remember to play the "passives" and "abilities" of the encounters, otherwise you're just cheating... loser...)


If the dice rolls:

Roll 1: The Cultists attack you from all sides, you cannot dodge this attack. You lose 1 HP for each Cultist still alive. However if you do have a shield you will block 2 damage. If there are 4 or 5 cultists, you lose 2 HP per Cultist instead. (Armor applies on the total amount of damage you take from this attack, not for each hit)

Roll 2: 2 of the Cultists charge you. Choose 1 option:

1. option: You go for a big boy "cleaving". Roll again, if you roll 4 or more, you hit it with a secure strike, dealing 2 damage to both of the cultists (you choose which 2 you wish to hit). However if you do have a battle-axe, this attack will deal 4 damage.

2. option: You try to parry one Cultist, and hit the other with a slash. Roll twice, on you first roll, if you roll 4 or more, you parry the first Cultist. On your second roll, if you roll 3 or more, you parry the second Cultist and counter-attack it, dealing 3 damage. If you roll 3 or less on the first roll, you get hit and lose 2 HP. If you roll 3 or less on the second roll, you get hit again, and you don't get to deal damage to a Cultist. However if you do have a set of daggers, you automatically parry the first attack.

3. option: You do a roll like was it Dark Souls. Roll again, if you roll 2 or more, you roll away safely, if you roll "1", then you get stabbed by both, losing 4 HP.

Roll 3: You get to punch 1 Cultist unconscious, meaning this cultist cannot attack, the next time any Cultist gets to attack.

Roll 4: A Cultist tries to empower another Cultist with 2 bonus damage, for the rest of the fight:

1. option: You go execute the Cultist getting empowered, killing it instantly (Choose a Cultist to kill).

2. option: You try to run for the Cultist casting the spell. Roll again, if you roll 3 or more, you reach the spell-casting Cultist, and deal 4 damage to him. If you roll 2 or 1, you get stabbed in the back by another Cultist before you reach the spell-casting one, AND you must empower 1 Cultist with 2 bonus damage for the rest of the fight.

3. option: You let him do it. Empower 1 Cultist with 2 bonus damage for the rest of the fight.

Roll 5: A Cultist grabs you, you gotta wiggle yourself out of his grasp. Roll again, if you roll 4 or more, you get out of the Cultist's grasp safely. If you roll 3 or less, you get stabbed by 3 Cultists. If 1 or more Cultists are empowered, prioritize them to be the stabbers. Each stab deals 1 damage (+ bonus damage given to the stabbing Cultist).

Roll 6: You charge at the whole lot of them.

1. option: You deal 3 damage to 2 Cultists, without risk.

2. option: You go for a flurry, spinning around like a maniac. Roll again, if you roll 3 or more, you deal 2 damage to ALL Cultists. If you roll 2 or 1, the Cultist with the most bonus damage, will jump up on your back, and stab you TWICE. On each hit, you lose 2 HP (+ bonus damage given to the stabbing Cultist).

3. option: You go execute 1 Cultist, killing it instantly (Choose a Cultist to kill).


If you die: You die.
If you pound these bozos: Go to "16".

You choose to walk down the hallway.

The hallway is really really long. But it finally ends. By the end of the hallway, you enter a room, which looks a bit like a sort of chapel but... yunno... and "evil" one. Cause it has runes drawn in blood all over the place. Pretty standard demon-worshipping stuff you know. A couple of skulls with candles here and there. An altar with some book on it. A vial with a black substance next to the book, and a bowl of some steamy orange... juice? Who knows what that could be?


Go to:

33: If you wish to check out that necronomicon-looking book wrapped in flesh and curses (Probably).
34: If you wish to try and drink from the vial with the black substance.
35: If you wish to try and drink the... hot orange juice???
36: If you wish to sing the 18th verse of the Book Of Chinesus, Chapter IV, "Pink Jesus arrived, and saw that this is a total bogus place".

You choose to delve downstairs.

Well, you go downstairs.

Oof. That took you about 10 minutes to walk down there, and you can't see anything. It's as if someone had put a bag over your head and abducted you, and OMG THAT'S WHY YOU CAN'T SEE, AHHH, YOU'RE BEING KIDNAPPED, no just kidding you fool, it's just very bloody dark, like... darker than the coffee you'd get from a barrista who listens to "Mayhem" and "Behemoth" all day long, while sending out fake smiles to all those darn kids who ask for all sorts of fancy new types of coffee. There's one type of coffee kid, and it's "BLACK AS THE WINGS OF SATAN IN THE DARKEST PIT OF HELL.

Anyways, there's a trapdoor there, with a ladder. You can see that much, cause there's a faint light coming from down there.


Go to:

37: If you wish to climb the ladder down.
38: If you wish to walk ALL THE WAY UP AGAIN.

Oh boy, that wasn't quite bad actually. That's like, grade "C-" fighting action, that could definitely be in some lazy B-movie. Decent job man. Keep it up.

Now that the cultists are all dead, you walk inside the fortress. But before that, you notice a couple of nice-looking daggers on the ground.

You can choose to replace your weapon with:

- "Fancy Pansy Ritual Knifes", provides you with a +1 bonus to damage as well as "daggers" can be used in some special combat situations. AND when these daggers are used with an attack in a "special" dagger situation, the attack deals and additional +2 bonus damage.

Or you can just take them for the loot, but you cannot use them in combat then.

You now enter the fortress, and there's a long, dark, hallway, lit up by candles only, because that's how you make things spookier. Then there's a stairway, going down, deep down under, right in front of you.


Go to:

14: If you wish to walk down the hallway.
15: If you wish to delve downstairs.

You defeated the Rattigator. Really? REALLY!? Jeezus, I spent YEARS on training that Rattigator to be a 100% wipe-encounter, and now it just bloody... ARGH! FINE.

You defeated the Rattigator. You case upon the mighty reptillian rodent, and think to yourself... hmmm... I could make some really pretty boots or wristbands out of this skin.

Choose 1 item to create:

- "'Soft Like A Badger' Boots", provides you with a +1 HP, and allows you to instantly dodge 1 attack, ONCE per fight.
- "Really Pretty Gator Gloves", provides you with +1 armor, and when you "parry" an attack, you get to add +2 eyes on the dice for your next attack-roll.


When the choice is made, go to:

18. If you wish to actually continue down the sewer-drain, lol, get going you moron, haven't got all day to be your god damn dungeon-master.

You continue to walk in the sewer tunnels.

FINALLY... it takes you a good while, cause you got a little lost, reached a few dead ends and such... but suddenly, you reach an end, with a door. You open it up, and now, you're inside a cave. It's very dark, but you see a small fire further up ahead. By the fire, there sits a figure, drooling and scratching its butt. But then, it notices your arrival.

"Aha, what is this, that my blind eye sees. Nothing probably, cause that eye cannot see, but what must this be? Hmm, a stranger, an adventurer, reeking of... *sniff sniff* ... rusty keys and nasty salty seas? Tell me stranger, what are you doing in MY grotto?"

It seems to be some old goblin.

"Answer me, twat".

A gnarly old goblin.


Go to:

19: If you wish to say: "I came here to slay demons, and get enough cash to buy myself a catapult, so I can shoot myself across the sulfuric-acid sea of Thrasrashasganokz, and live a peaceful life, collecting berries, eating berries, cooking berries, as well as urinating berry juice".
20: If you wish to say: "I came here for the women".
21: If you wish to say: "I've come here, to throw rocks into ponds".

You choose to say: "I came here to slay demons, and get enough cash to buy myself a catapult, so I can shoot myself across the sulfuric-acid sea of Thrasrashasganokz, and live a peaceful life, collecting berries, eating berries, cooking berries, as well as urinating berry juice".

The old goblin stares at you for a bit. Then proceeds to say:

"Well. I could tell you a lot of stories about berries. Did you know, that berries are the only type of meat, that does not contain sugar? I once lived in a cave full of glowing mushrooms and soft pebbles. At first I thought the pebbles were berries, but then found out, they were actually just big balls of guano. Funny isn't it? Oh that was back in the day, when I was a young sharp-teethed goblin... I used to have a trampoline of liver-fish slime back then, as well as a violin, that was actually a banjo, but very small, even for a goblin. I tell ya, I could really jump high back then, wanna see how high I can jump?".


Go to:

22: If you wish to say: "Sure, let me observe your mighty leap".
23: If you wish to say: "Bro...".
24: If you wish to say: "Can we just skip to the part where you give me a side-quest or something?".

You choose to say: "I came here for the women".

The old gnarly goblin laughs at you:

"HA! WOMEN! HA! WOMEN! HA! WOMEN! HA! HA! WOMEN! HA! MENOW! AHAHAH! NOMEN! Wait... oh... HA!... WOMEN! What a joke! HA! WOMEN! You won't find any of those here! WOMEN! HA! Last time I saw a woman, was when I was in Gobnam. I'll never forget the war there... it was too much to bear... but the women! HA! Oh did they CARE! I tell ya, I've had my fair share of rock soups, and still, I haven't found a single snail, the most important fruit. That was while I was a tavern-master at jumping really high, wanna see how high I can jump? HA! WOMEN!".


Go to:

22: If you wish to say: "Sure, let me observe your mighty leap".
23: If you wish to say: "Bro...".
24: If you wish to say: "Can we just skip to the part where you give me a side-quest or something?".

You choose to say: "I've come here, to throw rocks into ponds".

The old gnarly goblin nods understandingly:

"Ahh... I see, another passionate rock-tosser aren't we? As you can see, in this cave, there be, plenty of rocks to toss and watch 'flee' over the water's edge. Just be careful, because you could get 'stone-pimples' if you toss the rocks in a wrong way. You must be one with 'The Way Of The Rocks'. I was in the musical once, I played triangle, and also appeared in-role as a baker who baked mold with butter. I had to jump onto the stage in each play. I could jump really high. Do you wanna witness how high I can jump, scum?".


Go to:

22: If you wish to say: "Sure, let me observe your mighty leap".
23: If you wish to say: "Bro...".
24: If you wish to say: "Can we just skip to the part where you give me a side-quest or something?".

You choose to observe the mighty leap of the old goblin.

The old goblin jumps about half a foot off the ground, then lands in a matter of a millisecond and looks at you with judging eyes:

"... Well?".


Go to:

25: If you wish to say: "That was pretty bad".
26: If you wish to say: "WOW! THAT WAS SICK DUDE! YOU JUST RANCHED UP THIS WHOLE PLACE I TELL YA".
27: If you wish to say: "Please... just... let me skip this, and get back to the actual adventure".

You choose to hit the goblin with a tired: "Bro...".

The old goblin completely ignores your comment, and jumps about half a foot off the ground, then lands in a matter of a millisecond and looks at you with judging eyes:

"Well? How about that punk?".


Go to:

25: If you wish to say: "That was pretty bad".
26: If you wish to say: "WOW! THAT WAS SICK DUDE! YOU JUST RANCHED UP THIS WHOLE PLACE I TELL YA".
27: If you wish to say: "Please... just... let me skip this, and get back to the actual adventure".

You choose to say: "Can we just skip to the part where you give me a side-quest or something?".

The old goblin replies with:

"Shut up bozo, that's not part of the deal, you know that, you know exactly what kind of NPC I am, so zip your tuna lips, and watch this". He then jumps about half a foot off the ground, then lands in a matter of a millisecond and looks at you with judging eyes: "Well? What ya think about that HUH!?".


Go to:

25: If you wish to say: "That was pretty bad".
26: If you wish to say: "WOW! THAT WAS SICK DUDE! YOU JUST RANCHED UP THIS WHOLE PLACE I TELL YA".
27: If you wish to say: "Please... just... let me skip this, and get back to the actual adventure".

You choose to say: "That was pretty bad".

The old goblin, still not caring about your opinion from what it seems, starts talking again:

"Once, I was trapped in a 40 times 40 cm steel cage by a bunch of orc dorks. They pulled out 5 of my teeth, and fed them to a very big parrot. I've never seen a parrot that big in my entire life, I only saw a moose that size once, but never a parrot. Oh yea, and it ate my teeth. But anyways, that wasn't what I wanted to talk about anyways. What I wanted to tell you is, that you should never boil your socks in clean water, because in that way, the soup you make of it will be disgusting. You should do it in some really rusty, dirty water instead, that way, your socks will suck up some more of that good spice you know. And once that is done, then you can go fishing or whatever, as long as you don't lick your toes directly afterwards, you gotta wait AT LEAST 10 minutes before something like that will be tolerated. Would you like a piece of moldy sponge-cake? I grew it under my fingernails myself. 5 years old you know... that's some quality sponge cake right there. Want a piece?".


Go to:

28: If you wish to say: "No thanks, mr. cheeseback, please, just let me leave".
29: If you wish to say: "Hell ya, let me get a taste".
30: If you wish to say: "Just give me the damned side-quest already".

You choose to say: "WOW! THAT WAS SICK DUDE! YOU JUST RANCHED UP THIS WHOLE PLACE I TELL YA".

The old goblin, completely ignores your compliment, and starts talking like a darn waterfall again:

"Yea but actually, have you ever seen a triangular dookie-cookie? Normally you could get one back in Gobnam, but now it just seems like all dookie-cookies are hexagonal instead. Why are they like that? Why aren't they decorated with strange-looking hats? Could they be made into a smelly cat? Who cares, all that really matters is, that you should never ever poke a 'Bowelbear', that's for sure. If you poke a Bowelbear, you get completely torn to pieces I tell ya. I once died, and got both my arms detached from my body, but I survived, because a fairy resurrected me, and told me to go talk to her husband, and so I did. Her husband then proceeded to travel far far away, and insulted my otherwise stylish tattered rags. Would you like a piece of moldy sponge-cake? I grew it under my fingernails myself. 5 years old you know... that's some quality sponge cake right there. Want a piece?".


Go to:

29: If you wish to say: "Hell ya, let me get a taste".
30: If you wish to say: "Just give me the damned side-quest already".
31: If you wish to say: "Wait a minute brotendo, what's a Bowelbear".

You choose to say: "Please... just... let me skip this, and get back to the actual adventure".

The old goblin, completely ignores you, and starts babbling like a darn waterfall again:

"Yea well you know... once should never shout at harpies. They'll squeal back at you like was it your mother, blowing an ancient didgeridoo, that sounds like someone yelling 'YAW I'LL BLOUWDY KILL YE YOU RATCHERD PUNY SCUMBALL, GORL POWER!' Would you like a piece of moldy sponge-cake? I grew it under my fingernails myself. 5 years old you know... that's some quality sponge cake right there. Want a piece?".


Go to:

28: If you wish to say: "No thanks, mr. cheeseback, please, just let me leave".
29: If you wish to say: "Hell ya, let me get a taste".
30: If you wish to say: "Just give me the damned side-quest already".

You choose to say: "No thanks, mr. cheeseback, please, just let me leave".

The old goblin, completely ignores you, and starts babbling like a darn waterfall again:

"But... but... you're my only friend? Why would you leave me? Why don't you want my sponge-cake huh? WHY? WHYY? I THOUGHT WE WERE BLOODY FRIENDS. AND NOW YOU JUST RUINED IT ALL. I HATE YOU. I NEVER WANT TO SEE YOU HERE AGAIN. BUT BEFORE YOU GO, LET ME TELL YOU FACTS ABOUT THE 'CARCHARODONTOSAURUS SAHARICUS' AS WRITTEN ON WIKIPEDIA. Carcharodontosaurus /ˌkɑːrkəroʊˌdɒntoʊˈsɔːrəs/ is a genus of carnivorous carcharodontosaurid dinosaurs that existed during the Cenomanian stage of the mid-Cretaceous Period. It is currently known to include two species: C. saharicus and C. iguidensis, which were among the larger theropods, nearly as large as or even larger than Tyrannosaurus, Giganotosaurus and Spinosaurus.
The genus Carcharodontosaurus is named after the shark genus Carcharodon,[1] itself composed of the Greek karchar[os] (κάρχαρος, meaning "jagged" or "sharp") and odōn (ὀδών, "teeth"), and the suffix -saurus ("lizard").



Carcharodontosaurus includes some of the longest and heaviest known carnivorous dinosaurs, with various scientists proposing length estimates for the species C. saharicus ranging between 12 and 13.3 m (39 and 44 ft) and weight estimates between 6.2 and 15.1 metric tons.[2][3][4][5]

Carcharodontosaurus were carnivores, with enormous jaws and long, serrated teeth up to eight inches long. A skull length of about 1.6 meters (5.2 ft) has been restored for C. saharicus,[3] and the skull of C. iguidensis is reported to have been about the same size.[6] Currently, the largest-known theropod skull belongs to another huge carcharodontosauriddinosaur, the closely related Giganotosaurus (with skull length estimates up to 1.95 m) (6.4 ft).[7] Gregory S. Paul estimates Carcharodontosaurus iguidensis at 10 m (33 ft) and 4 t (4.4 short tons).[8]


Go to:

32: If you wish to leave this sucker.

You choose to say: "Hell ya, let me get a taste".

Well, you are one naive fool. You should NEVER accept a damn sponge-cake, unless you're the oldest eternal mother of a juice-chugging stupid troglodyte. You just died, from a fungal infection in your lungs. As you draw your last breaths, the goblin just keeps on talking:

"SO anyways, there was this one time when I walked into a very fleshy cave. It was big and hot like hell. And that was when I thought to myself, 'why has no one claimed this soft and hot cave? But when I then saw my long dead uncle Eddy further up, I realized I must've walked straight up from behind inside a red dragon. No wonder why lava was flowing towards my toes in there. I did find a nice little souvenir in there tho. A wallet with a picture of a deformed troglodyte. Kinda looked like my 72th son, Kenny, but then again, he didn't have as bad a deformation as Kenny, so I went to a tavern to get the picture identified, but they threw me out as soon as I opened my mouth, and started talking about gryphon earwax. And then..."


Oh, there we go, you finally died.

You choose to say: "Just give me the damned side quest already, filthy little npc-man".

The old goblin seems a little pissed now:

"OHO! OHOH! SO THAT's what you WANT huh? 'NEHNEHNEHNEHNEH I JUST WANT THE SIDE-QUEST, BOOHOUUHOUUWW!' Well GUESS WHAT you walking talking bag of HORSE DUNG. I'll give you your PRECIOUS SIDE-QUEST THEN! BUT WITHOUT SOME CRUCIAL INFORMATION, SINCE YOU CLEARLY HAVE THE PATIENCE OF A HUMMING-BIRD OVERDOSED ON CAFFEINE FROM THE STRONGEST TROLL PISS IN THE WOODS.".

He stares at you for a couple of seconds, then grabs something from his pocket. It's a scroll of some sort.

"In this cave, you will find a beast, so ferocious and terrible, that not even some wall-street stock-market billionaire can compare to this jerk. It stole my 'Year 599, 2. era, Gobnam Sour Cheese', and I want this sucker dead. DEAD. But I'm not gonna tell you how to kill it. Only how to find it. Because I am not 'that kind of NPC' bro. You gotta treat me with some god damn RESPECT! Ever heard of that word moron? My dad INVENTED THAT WORD. And you better start respecting the word punk, or you will end up on my personal 'scum list'! Which by the way, is inked in rat-pee. Yes. Rat-pee and cat-dookies. From old cats. Fat cats. You think that's funny? I bet you do. Filth. You have no respect for my FOOD-CULTURE... anyways... there's a secret door within the fortress... it leads down to another cave, connected to this one, but I blocked the passage for obvious reasons, and also because I met an orc I owed 20 gold pieces in there, yikes. Can't pay that kind of money. Anyways. The secret door can only be opened with this scroll. I stole it from some guy with crystals for fingers. Reminds me of my cousin Marlo, boy did he have a fine set of jewelry. All made of fingernails and snail-shells found in an old memorial-mound outside some town, that had waged war with some demonic force for a thousand years or something. Yea. Never kick a demon in between the legs, they get really really angry. That's how wars start you know... But yea, anyways. TAKE THIS SCROLL AND LEAVE ME ALONE, OR I WILL FIND SOME WAY TO TURN YOU INTO A HANDFUL OF BOOGEY-BERRIES! ONLY RETURN TO ME, IF YOU KILL THAT BONGO-PLAYING TWIRP!".


Side-quest acquired: "The Foul Fing Fwom Fnext Foor"

Go to:

32: If you wish to get the hell out of that old idiot's cave.

You choose to say: "Wait a minute brotendo, what's a Bowelbear?".

The old goblin stops talking, and looks at you with a smirky, but kinda excited facial expression:

"Ohohohohohohohohohhohohohohohohohohohohohohohohohohohohohohohohohohohohohohohohohohohohohohohohohohoohohoho. You don't know about the Bowelbear? Ohohohohohohohohohohohohohohohoohohohohohohohohoohohohohoohohohohohohohohohoohohohohohohohoohohohohohoohohooho. I tell ya, that thing, is the definition of fear. Ayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayyayayayayayayayayyayayayayayayyaya. Many have tried, to kill it, and rid the world of that tard! OhboiOhboiOhboiOhboiOhboiOhboiOhboiOhboiOhboiOhboiOhboiOhboiOhboiOhboiOhboiOhboiOhboiOhboiOhboiOhboiOhboiOhboiOhboiOhboi. But they all failed, hit with a fart, and then torn apart. Oogaboogaoogaboogaoogaboogaoogaboogaoogaboogaoogaboogaoogaboogaoogaboogaoogaboogaoogaboogaoogaboogaoogaboogaoogaboogaoogaboogaoogaboogaoogaboogaoogaboogaoogaboogaoogaboogaoogaboogaoogaboogaoogaboogaoogaboogaoogaboogaoogaboogaoogaboogaoogaboogaoogaboogaoogaboogaoogaboogaoogaboogaoogaboogaoogaboogaoogaboogaoogaboogaoogaboogaoogaboogaoogaboogaoogaboogaoogaboogaoogaboogaoogaboogaoogaboogaoogaboogaoogaboogaoogaboogaoogaboogaoogaboogaoogaboogaoogaboogaoogaboogaoogaboogaoogaboogaoogaboogaoogabooga".

He stops babbling. Looks with a serious expression, then says:

"Oogabooga".

"But anyways. Imagine a bear... now imagine an owl... and then imagine a goat... and a... wait... no... that's not how it goes... don't imagine a goat... imagine a deuce-bag. And then combine those things together with a slit-open womb, where the bowels are just... yunno... chilling out in the open, like were they part of that Jersey Shore show. But anyways... none of that is really important. The important thing is, that there is this Bowelbear, walking around in these caves. I call him Dylan, Dylan the Bowelbear, because 'Dylan' is the name that just SCREAMS 'deuce-bag'. Anyways... this son of a greasy ogre-weight coco-chanel-smelling hag-donker, gave me good thrashing a couple o weeks back, and stole my friggin insect-bars with 50% extra protein. I use those bars to pump the guns in the gym".

The goblin's arms are thin as the twigs of a sapling.

"If you kill this bonkers cave-billy, I will reward thy royal taverness bellybutton handsomely".

He hands you a magical scroll.

"There's a secret door within the fortress... it leads down to another cave, connected to this one, but I blocked the passage for obvious reasons, and also because I met an orc I owed 20 gold pieces in there, yikes. Can't pay that kind of money. Anyways. The secret door can only be opened with this scroll. I stole it from some guy with crystals for fingers. Now just remember this though... the ONLY WAY TO KILL A BOWELBEAR, is to strangle the doofus in his own intestines. REMEMBER THAT, OR YOU'LL BE MINCED MEAT, LIKE MY OLDER BROTHER LARRY. Now go fool! Slay Dylan! The Bowelbear! For me! For you! For Larry! For the country! For the world! For all the lemons! For the sour ones below! Strike with all the sourness and bitterness you can muster!"


Side-quest acquired: "The Foul Fing Fwom Fnext Foor"

Go to:

32: If you wish to leave the goblin's cave.

Cheesus clist, FINALLY you actually left, you could have just pressed the bloody "skip-button", you absolute gravel-brain.


Go to Part 2 - "The Dark Descent"

You choose to check out that necronomicon-looking book wrapped in flesh and curses (Probably).

There are a couple of chants in this book, that are translated. They are all inked in blood (ohoho spooky). Three lines specifically.

The 1st line says: "Lirth mirth kraath kralirth".

The 2nd line says: "Mogus bogus, no hokus pokus".

The 3rd line says: "Lol, Bernie was here".


Go to:

39: If you wish to say the 1st line.
40: If you wish to say the 2nd line.
41: If you wish to say the 3rd line.

You choose to try and drink from the vial with the black substance..

That's ink you idiot. You loose 1 HP for the next battle for being a retard.


Go to:

15: If you wish to go down those stairs from before instead of this bogus.
33: If you wish to check out that necronomicon-looking book wrapped in flesh and curses (Probably)
35: If you wish to try and drink the... hot orange juice???
36: If you wish to sing the 18th verse of the Book Of Chinesus, Chapter IV, "Pink Jesus arrived, and saw that this is a total bogus place".

You choose to try and drink the orange juice looking stuff...

Well, now you gone done it haven't you?
You are officially the dumbest player to ever play this adventure, wow.
"Steamy hot orange juice"?
No danger bell ringing?
It's obviously lava you cumbersome clown, now you got a big massive hole through your body. Oh wait... and that's not it!

You're also... wait for it... "dead", SURPRISE!.

You choose to start singing the 18th verse of the Book Of Chinesus, Chapter IV; "Pink Jesus arrived, and saw this is a total bogus place".

I'm tired of your religious propaganda, it has no place in MY adventure. Just for the hell of it, you get dropkicked by a really tiny demon with a foot that is the size of a lawnmower. You get kicked all the way down the stairs, and down into a bloody cave. + The next attack you make in your next fight, won't do any damage, sucker.


Go to "37"

Down the ladders, you go.


Go to Part 2 - "The Dark Descent"

You choose to go aaaaaaall the way up again.

Yea, now you got no energy, you're exhausted dude. If you're gonna be in a fight soon, the next round where you get to damage the enemy is annulled, cause you gotta take a breath. So much for staying fit. At least you can now proudly tell everyone on your instagram that you actually DIDN'T skip "leg-day".


Go to:

14: If you wish to walk down the hallway.
15: If you wish to delve downstairs.

You choose to speak out: "Lirth mirth kraath kralirth".

A PORTAL TO THE ABYSS OPENS UP. THE GATES OF THE BURNING DEPTHS BENEATH THE CRUST OF THIS EARTH HAS BEEN OPENED!... Slightly... Out from the portal comes a HOT pepsi max... yikes, that's... that's actually really bad, ew... you gonna drink that stuff? Oh god, you actually drank it. Yikes, disgusting, but I admire your bravery dude. You just boosted your morale right there. You know what. For such an act of courage, your HP is now increased by +1 for the rest of this adventure. That was bananas bro. Now let's go down those stairs, and show them all, who's the chief beef of this place.


Go to "15", and climb down the ladder, or I'll take my encouraging words AND the buff I just gave you, BACK!

You choose to speak out: "Mogus bogus, no hokus pokus".

Well... nothing really happened, except from the fact that you could hear a turd in the wind, rolling outside the window. It might have said something, like... some magical turd or something, but... yea whatever.


Go to "15", and climb down the ladder, or I'll take my encouraging words AND the buff I just gave you, BACK!

You choose to speak out: "Lol, Bernie was here".

"NO I WAS NOT!"

Holy smokes! IT'S BERNIE! You gotta fight your way out of this!


Go to:

42: If you wish to fight "Bernie".

You choose to fight Bernie. Or did he choose to fight you? Nevermind. You fight.

Oh dear, it is REALLY BERNIE. The legendary occult cultist troll, who once took a wee at the tree of wisdom, and that way, all his wisdom and common sense was retracted from his body, so he does not give a single gnome's hat about anything anymore!

"You look like my MUM! HA! I'll take your nose! And make it my ear! HAHAHA!"

Bernie has 25 HP


+ Stupidity knows no boundries, whenever Bernie is attacked by you, he heals himself instead of taking damage. Don't feed the trolls, he can only damage himself.

+ Nosedive, if Bernie takes your nose, and makes it into his ear, you die.

+ Toxic trollolol, when Bernie reaches 6 HP or lower, he enrages like a true troll, and all his damage is doubled.

(Remember to play the "passives" and "abilities" of the encounters, otherwise you're just cheating... loser...)


If the dice rolls:

Roll 1: Bernie conjures a wave of fire that is bound to the floor, which bounces on wall-impact:

1. option: If you have a shield you can choose to stand your ground, and just place it down in front of your feet, and the fire is absorbed. However it won't bounce back on Bernie.

2. option: You try to jump over it. Roll again, if you roll 3 or more, you jump over it. However, it bounces, so you will have to roll again, same rules apply. If you don't jump over it either the first or second time, you lose 6 HP. If you jump over both times, then Bernie hits himself for 6 damage (No bonus damage applies). However if you do have a set of daggers, you automatically make the first jump, and only have to roll once.


Roll 2: Bernie charges straight at you, while shouting out tons of curses and insults:

1. option: You smack him one, "damaging" him (lol) for 2 HP (+ your bonus damage, scum).

2. option: If you have a shield, you can simply lift it up, and he'll run into it, hitting himself for 3 damage (No bonus damage applies).

3. option: You wait for the very last moment to roll, so he'll hurt himself by running into the wall. Roll again, if you roll 4 or more, you roll successfully at the right time, and he slams directly into the wall, hurting himself for 5 damage (No bonus damage applies). If you roll 3 or less, he stabs you in your belly and calls you a "Weasel", damaging you for 4 HP.

Roll 3: You forget the rules, and smack him one, "damaging" him (lol) for 1 HP (+ your bonus damage, scum).

Roll 4: Bernie tries to take your nose! OH SWEET SALMON PIE NO!:

1. option: You smack him one, "damaging" him (lol) for 2 HP (+ your bonus damage), but you avoid certain death.

2. option: You tempt fate by letting him come to you, making him a deal, that if you can beat him in rock paper scissors, he has to punch his crown jewelry. And if you lose, well... so be it... he WILL take... your nose... Roll again, if you roll 1 or 2, you get "rock". If you roll 3 or 4, you get "paper". If you roll 5 or 6, you get "scissors". When you've rolled, roll for Bernie. If he wins, you die. If you win, he dies from the sheer pain he must go through, and also because trolls must not hit themselves there, it's their biggest weakness. If you both get the same, you can choose to either continue to fight, or do another rock, paper, scissors with him.

Roll 5: Bernie ends up insulting himself, lowering his morale. The next time you attack him, he will NOT heal instead of getting damaged. However if you do have a battle-axe, you won't just "smack him" the next time you attack him. You will strike him for +3 extra bonus damage.

Roll 6: Bernie summons a tentacle, which slaps you, and you lose 1 HP. HOWEVER, the tentacle stays as a pet of his, and if he casts this spell again, the damage you take from this ability will permanently be increased by 1. This stacks indefinitely throughout the fight.


If you die: You die.
If you manage to kill the legendary "Bernie": Go to "43".

Woah, you WHAT!? Oh no no no no no no... no you did NOT. That cannot be true. You DEFINITELY must have messed up something with the rules in that fight.

You are a liar, so therefore, go fight him again, he's not dead, nuh uh, he has in the most magical way possible, been resurrected by the sour ones below, and he is more furious than ever.


Go to "44" to fight Bernie... REBORN!

You choose to fight Bernie again. BUT EMPOWERED... sort of...

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH! LOSER!

"GO SUCK YOUR SPONGY TOE, TWERP!"

YEA, DO WHAT HE SAYS, BOZO.


Undead Sour Bernie has 12 HP


+ Stupidity knows no boundries, whenever Bernie is attacked by you, he heals himself instead of taking damage. Don't feed the trolls, he can only damage himself.

+ Nosedive, if Bernie takes your nose, and makes it into his ear, you die.

+ Toxic trollolol, when Bernie reaches 4 HP or lower, he enrages like a true troll, and all his damage is TRIPLED.

(Remember to play the "passives" and "abilities" of the encounters, otherwise you're just cheating... loser...)


If the dice rolls:

Roll 1: Bernie conjures a wave of fire that is bound to the floor, which bounces on wall-impact:

1. option: If you have a shield you can choose to stand your ground, and just place it down in front of your feet, and the fire is absorbed. However it won't bounce back on Bernie.

2. option: You try to jump over it. Roll again, if you roll 3 or more, you jump over it. However, it bounces, so you will have to roll again, same rules apply. If you don't jump over it either the first or second time, you lose 6 HP. If you jump over both times, then Bernie hits himself for 6 damage (No bonus damage applies). However if you do have a set of daggers, you automatically make the first jump, and only have to roll once.


Roll 2: Bernie charges straight at you, while shouting out tons of curses and insults:

1. option: You smack him one, "damaging" him (lol) for 2 HP (+ your bonus damage, scum).

2. option: If you have a shield, you can simply lift it up, and he'll run into it, hitting himself for 3 damage (No bonus damage applies).

3. option: You wait for the very last moment to roll, so he'll hurt himself by running into the wall. Roll again, if you roll 4 or more, you roll successfully at the right time, and he slams directly into the wall, hurting himself for 5 damage (No bonus damage applies). If you roll 3 or less, he stabs you in your belly and calls you a "Weasel", damaging you for 4 HP.

Roll 3: You forget the rules, and smack him one, "damaging" him (lol) for 1 HP (+ your bonus damage, scum).

Roll 4: Bernie tries to take your nose! OH SWEET SALMON PIE NO!:

1. option: You smack him one, "damaging" him (lol) for 2 HP (+ your bonus damage), but you avoid certain death.

2. option: You tempt fate by letting him come to you, making him a deal, that if you can beat him in rock paper scissors, he has to punch his crown jewelry. And if you lose, well... so be it... he WILL take... your nose... Roll again, if you roll 1 or 2, you get "rock". If you roll 3 or 4, you get "paper". If you roll 5 or 6, you get "scissors". When you've rolled, roll for Bernie. If he wins, you die. If you win, he dies from the sheer pain he must go through, and also because trolls must not hit themselves there, it's their biggest weakness. If it is a tie, Bernie will just smack you instead, and you lose 2 HP.

Roll 5: Bernie ends up insulting himself, lowering his morale. The next time you attack him, he will NOT heal instead of getting damaged. However if you do have a battle-axe, you won't just "smack him" the next time you attack him. You will strike him for +3 extra bonus damage.

Roll 6: Bernie summons an empowered tentacle, which slaps you, and you lose 2 HP. HOWEVER, the tentacle stays as a pet of his, and if he casts this spell again, the damage you take from this ability will permanently be increased by 2. This stacks indefinitely throughout the fight. HOWEVER ALL the tentacles can now be removed IF Bernie casts the wave of fire (Roll 1), AND you jump over the wave both times.


If you die: You die.
If you manage to kill the legendary "Bernie": Go to "45".

WHAT THE HELL.

That's gotta be a lie. This is a mistake. You've CHEATED again! HAHAHA! Yea! Definitely! LIAR! LOSER! Well, you KNOW WHAT!? Fine! YOU WIN THIS TIME! BUT. He's NOT DEAD. Ohohoho YES. Just before he does the last stupid thing that should kill him off, he gets sucked into a voidgate to the abyss! You will meet again someday jackass!

What? Loot? LOOT?! ARGH! Fine. You killed my favorite character... I had built SO MUCH personality and lore into this character. And you just expect... loot... You are one unthankful son of a sliced pimple. But SURE. HERE. HAVE SOME GOD DAMNED LOOT!


Choose 1 item to acquire:

- "Talisman Of Toxic Rage " (Amulet), whenever you're below 5 HP in a battle, you gain +1 bonus damage, and also a +1 to the eyes of the dice for your attack-rolls. If you heal up above 5 HP again, the effect is lost.
- "Crystalized Troll-snot Band " (Ring), can be used once per fight to heal yourself for 4 HP, as well as give you a protective barrier that blocks 1 damage on the next incoming attack.

When the choice is made, go to:

"15", and climb down the ladder, or you get NO LOOT!