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Dungs & Dookies: Fortress Of Poor Life Choices - Part 2 "The Dark Descent"

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avatar Carcharodontosaurus
Level 52 : Grandmaster Caveman
317
Welcome to yet another Dungs & Dookies adventure.
You will need a dice to go on this voyage.



First, you need to know your base stats and inventory.

You have 14 Hit Points (HP). When you reach 0 in a fight, you die. If you win a fight, you heal up all your HP afterwards.


At this point, you have 0 armor. Having 1 armor, means you can minus 1 damage from an opponent's attack.


Right now you have a short-sword, which provides no extra damage. Other weapons and items can be obtained through your journey.

To keep track of your equipment, as well as your health and status in combat, you should also have a paper sheet and a pen, to keep track of the damage flow.

Now to your equipment slots:



Weapon

Battle-axe, Daggers, Short-sword, Banana

Shield (If you have a Battle-axe or Daggers equipped, you cannot wield a Shield)

Armor

Helmet

Chestplate

Gloves

Boots

Amulet

Ring



BUT IF, you have completed ANY prior adventures and claimed items from there, you may use those as well.

In case you haven't completed any of the other adventures, you can choose ONE of the following weapons:



Big Massive Awesome Double-edged axe

Provides you with a +2 bonus to damage, as well as "battle-axes" can be used in some special combat situations.

Thicc Iron Shield

Provides you with +1 armor, meaning you can minus 1 damage from an opponent's attack, as well as "shields" can be used in some special combat situations.

Fangs Of The Great White Spider Man

Provides you with a +1 bonus to damage. as well as "daggers" can be used in some special combat situations.



Part 2 - "The Dark Descent"


You are now in a room, all filled up with spider-webs, dust, bones, more dust, red dust, grey dust, different kinds of dust, Fred Dust... or was it Durst? Who cares. There's tons of dust, old stuff and dead things lying all over the floor. There's a ladder going up, and there are two passages leaving the room. One on the left with practically no light, and one on the right, where there seems to be a spark of fire at the end.



Go to:

1: If you wish to try and climb the old ladder.
2: If you wish to go through the left passage.
3: If you wish to go through the right passage.


1

You try to climb the old ladder.

Are you mind-deaf? Did the word "old" inside your head not ring "Oh my god, that ladder is going to BLOODY BREAK when I just gently lay my big ugly toe upon the dusty wood with 10000 splinters"? Cheesus Chines... oh wait, I shouldn't be mixing religion into this, I am supposed to be the bloody game-master, I need to be biased and neutral. Look what you made me do scum. You lose 1 HP for the next fight, because you fall down from the ladder, and it breaks.


Go to:

2: If you wish to go through the left passage.
3: If you wish to go through the right passage.
2

You choose to go through the left passage.

Boy it sure is dark here, you wouldn't be able to see a donkey's mutant grand cousin, even if it was fluorescent and had pink christmas-lights all over it. It's pretty moist too. After walking for a little while, you reach an end. It's really hard to see ANYTHING, but there seems to be a door in front of you. Two doors actually. You can see them because light is coming out the crack below. Where are ya gonna go doofus?


Go to:

4: If you wish to try to open the door on the right.
5: If you wish to try to open the door on the left.
6: If you wish to go back to the ladder-room.
3

You choose to go through the right passage.

You walk down the right passage, and the flickering light of a torch edges ever closer. And everything seems to be just fi.. aaand oh buckers... You took a turn to the right, and there. An Orc is sleeping, sitting on the floor with his back leaning up against the wall. He has got one massive bloody axe in his hands. It seems to be very heavy, as orc weapons usually are. You definitely cannot use that weapon, you wouldn't even be able to lift that thing. How the hell are you gonna get past that buff beef boy?


Go to:

7: If you wish to wake up this son of a dweeb, and fite him 1v1.
8: If you wish to try and sneak by him.
6: If you wish to go back to the ladder-room
4

You choose to try opening the door on the right.

You now enter a wine-cellar. It's a relatively large one, even for demon-worshipping cultist standards. There are tons of caskets of wine stacked up the walls, and a few racks as well. At the end of the room there's a dining table with rotten food, a lot of cups, and a bottle with a weird mixture.



There are three particularly interesting chalices on the table, which may be worth a fortune. One is of gold, with a skull engraved in it. Another is of ruby, with an eye engraved in it. And the last one is of amethyst, with a 7-pointed star engraved in it.



On the floor lies three cultist bodies. All of their fingers are aligned, so they point towards the amethyst chalice. And there's a note in the hands of one of them.


Go to:

9: If you wish to pick up the golden chalice.

10: If you wish to pick up the ruby chalice.
11: If you wish to pick up the amethyst chalice.

12: If you wish to pick up all the damned cups, lol.

13: If you wish to pick up, and take a sip of the "mysterious mixture".

14: If you wish to read the note.
5

You choose to try opening the door on the left.

The door is locked. Are you a key-smith? No? A lockmaster? No? Well, then there isn't a lot you can do here is there? Idiot?



(If you have acquired: "Dried Intestine Key", you can open the door, and go to "15")


Go to:

4: If you wish to try to open the door on the right.
6: If you wish to go back to the ladder-room
6

You choose to go back to the ladder-room.

Well, now you're here again. What now twat?

There's a ladder going up, and there are two passages leaving the room. One on the left with practically no light, and one on the right, where there seems to be a spark of fire at the end.

Go to:

1: If you wish to try and climb the old ladder.
2: If you wish to go through the left passage.
3: If you wish to go through the right passage.
7

You choose to wake up the orc and fite him 1v1

You poke the Orc Dork; "Hey, stand up and fight, you green piece of pig-face".



But just as you think you're about to go 1v1 on this axe-wielding maniac, forth comes his wittle fwend, the Orc with a crossbow that says "Bang, your lungs just punctured, and you should see a doctor within the next 3 minutes, or you die". And you gotta fight both of these bastards.


Go to "16" to fight the orcs.
8

You choose to try sneaking past the Orc Dork.

Roll. If you roll 2 or more, you get past the orc successfully. BUT, for each armor you have, minus the eyes of the die by 1. And if you have daggers equipped, add 1 to the eyes of the die.


Go to:

16: If you actually didn't make that roll, because you probably have loads of armor, you goon.
17: If you made a successful roll, and sneaked past the orc.
9

You choose to pick up the golden chalice with a skull engraved in it.

Bold choice. I can respect that. You sir, are living on the edge, luckily, this item, is not cursed or anything, however it CAN make you a little more rich (Hell yea).



Item acquired:


- "Golden Chalice" - Worth 400 Gold coins.


Go to:

18: If you wish to leave the room (You cannot return to this room again if you do so).

12: If you wish to pick up the rest of the damned cups, lol.

13: If you wish to pick up, and take a sip of the "mysterious mixture".

14: If you wish to read the note.
10

You choose to pick up the ruby chalice with an eye engraved in it.

The moment you pick up this chalice, you get the feeling that you've gone goofed yourself. The chalice starts to vibrate violently in your hand, and the eye engraved in it, becomes a real, fleshy, disgusting eyeball, that stares right at you. With a low growling voice, kinda like Chris Barnes from Cannibal Corpse, it speaks out:



"HONHONHONHONHONHONHON! OHOHOHOHO! I AM BACK! AAAAAAAAAAAAAARGGH! YOU FOOLS THOUGHT YOU COULD KEEP ME IN MY DORMANT STATE FOR ALL THIS TIME! AHAHA, BUT YOU WERE MISTAKENED! MEDDLING CULTISTS! I AM NOT A DEMON TO BE EASILY CONJURED AND CONTAINED!"



It gazes intensely at you, and the voice grows even more terrifying:



"My name... is ALICE! THE CHALICE OF MALICE! And thou has awaked me! FOOL! MY REIGN OF TERROR IN THIS WINE CELLER BEGINS NOW! ALL shall smell the sour, acidic wine from my belly, and BOW in disgust and fear! AHAHAHAHA! HONHONHONHONHON! My first demonstration of power shall be on you! MORTAL SCUM! BOW BEFORE YOUR INANIMATE MASTER!"



Oh boy...



Go to "19" to fight "Alice, The Chalice Of Malice".
11

You choose to pick up the amethyst chalice with a 7-pointed star engraved in it.

Despite the warning from the corpses, you choose to take it like a man (Or independent woman... or whatever the hell you might be). That is some good courage right there. You deserve a medal for your bravery, you stupid fool, because this cup is definitely not cursed. Heh, got ya. It's worth a nice little somethin' tho.



Item acquired:


- "Amethyst Chalice" - Worth 400 Gold coins.


Go to:

18: If you wish to leave the room (You cannot return to this room again if you do so).

12: If you wish to pick up the rest of the damned cups, lol.

13: If you wish to pick up, and take a sip of the "mysterious mixture".

14: If you wish to read the note.
12

You choose to pick up all the bloody cups, because you're a greedy little looter.

Greedy goblin! Greed will be the death of you! Literally! You die! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA!



Yep, you're dead. "Adventure Time" is over Casanova.
13

You choose to pick up the mysterious mixture, and take a small sip from it.

RNG-time pizza-face!

Roll:



If you roll 5 or 6: You acquire a "Lesser Healing Potion", which can be used only 1 time, and heals you for 3 HP in a fight.



If you roll 4: You've taken a sip from a deadly poison, and guess what "deadly" means? Oh yea, that means you DIE. You should have studied more in your English class, dweeb.



If you roll 1, 2 or 3: It's outdated eggnog. Ew. Leave it be freak, don't drink that stuff.



After you're done with "13", you cannot chose spoiler "13" in any other spoiler again.


(In case you don't die by rolling a 4) Go to:

9: If you wish to pick up the golden chalice.

10: If you wish to pick up the ruby chalice.
11: If you wish to pick up the amethyst chalice.

12: If you wish to pick up all the damned cups, lol.

14: If you wish to read the note.

18: If you wish to leave the room (You cannot return to this room again if you do so).
14

You choose read the note from one of the dead cultists.

The note says:



"THE CHALICE! THE CHALICE! OH THE MALICE! THE CHALICE OF ALICE! THE CHALICE OF MALICE! THE ALICE OF MALICE! THE ALICE OF CHALI- Wait, that sentence doesn't make sense... uh... THE MALICE OF ALICE! THE MALICE OF THE CHALICE! BEWARE! BEWARE! BEWARE, unless you're a bear... ALICE IS EVIL! ALICE IS MALICE! ALICE IS A BLOODY CHALICE!"



Go to:

9: If you wish to pick up the golden chalice.

10: If you wish to pick up the ruby chalice.
11: If you wish to pick up the amethyst chalice.

12: If you wish to pick up all the damned cups, lol.

13: If you wish to pick up, and take a sip of the "mysterious mixture".

18: If you wish to leave the room (You cannot return to this room again if you do so).
14: If you wish to read the note.
15

You unlock the door.

Argh... why do you have to make it this far? Isn't there like... other stuff to life? Other than forcing me to write more of this garbage? No? Alright, well that's fair enough then.



You enter what appears to be a library of some sort. There are big dusty bookshelves up against all the walls, except from the wall in front of you. The wall in front of you at the end of this large room, there are runes engraved in the stone. It is a magic door, which needs to be unlocked by reading up a certain chant or passage. On the floor, there is a large pentagram drawn with salt. By each of the five points of the pentagram, there is a candle, as well as a note.



Only 3 of the notes have something written on them though.



One note says: "Luki luki dookie, burning fire boogie!"

Another says: "Thunder! Blunder! Dunder!"

And last one: "Skidaddle skidoodle, this is a horrible doodle of a poodle, wearing slippers, tie and sunglasses! What the hell is this!? John, you were supposed to draw a rune!"


Go to:

28: If you wish to shout out the words of the first note.

29: If you wish to shout out the words of the first note.

30: If you wish to shout out the words of the first note.
16

You woke up the Orc Dork, and now you face two 15-year old beefy buff bodybuilders with anger management issues.

"Intruder! *Snort*, you are not allowed in here! Me will eat your triceps and cook your ankles!"

Orc Dork Berserker has 30 HP

Orc Dork Hunter has 20 HP


+ Really damn heavy attacks, whenever one of the orcs damages you, they penetrate ALL armor, dealing full damage no matter what.

+ Anger issues, if the "Orc Dork Berserker" is below 10 HP, he gains + 2 bonus damage on all attacks.



+ Poison-tipped bolts, when the Orc Dork Hunter hits you with a bolt from his crossbow, you get poisoned, taking 1 damage each round for the next 2 rounds (Armor NEVER applies to poison or bleed damage).

+ Beef brothers, when 1 of the orcs die, the other one is invigorated, and is healed for 5 HP, and also gains + 1 bonus damage on all attacks.

(Remember to play the "passives" and "abilities" of the encounters, otherwise you're just cheating... loser...)


If the dice rolls:

Roll 1: The Orc Dork Berserker charges at you, while the Orc Dork Hunter aims at you:

1. option: If you have a shield you can block the attack of the Hunter. Roll, if you roll 3 or more, you also block the Berserker, but with your sword. If you roll 2 or 1, you get hit by the Berserker, and you lose 4 HP.

2. option: You roll away, dodging the Hunter's bolt (If he's still alive), and roll again to dodge the swing of the Berserker (If he's still alive). Roll the dice twice, if you don't roll 2 or more on first roll, you get hit by the Hunter and lose 3 HP. If you don't roll 3 or more on the second roll, you get hit by the Berserker, and lose 4 HP


3. option: You roll away, dodging the Hunter's bolt (If he's still alive), but then choose to counter-attack the Berserker. Roll again, if you roll 4 or more, you parry the attack, and damage the Berserker for 3 damage. If you roll 3 or less, the Berserker makes a mighty blow on you, and you lose 6 HP.



Roll 2: The Hunter shoots and misses, and runs out of ammo (If the Hunter is dead, the Berserker makes a mighty swing that misses, and gets his axe stuck in the ground):

1. option: You run up to him, and make a quick slash, dealing 3 damage

2. option: If you have a set of daggers, you can roll back and throw your daggers on any chosen Orc Dork. Roll the dice again. If you roll 1 or 2, only 1 dagger hits, and deals 2 damage. If you roll 3 or 4, both daggers hit, and both deal 2 damage. If you roll 5 or 6, both daggers hit, and each dagger deals 3 damage.

3. option: You kick him in the face, making him miss his next attack.

Roll 3: Both Orc Dorks stand in front of you, the Hunter attacks with a short sword this time, and the Berserker also prepares to strike. Roll again, if you roll 4 or more, you parry the attack, and get to damage one of them for 2 damage. If you roll 3 or less, they both hit you in their assault, both dealing 3 damage each. However if you do have a battle-axe, you only have to roll 3 or more, AND you get to choose between damaging both for 3 damage, or attack only one of them for 6 damage.

Roll 4: The Berserker makes a massive swing for you. Roll again. If you roll 3 or more, you dodge the swing, and hit him for 3 damage. If you roll 1 or 2, the Berserker slams you hard, and you lose 6 HP. However if you do have a shield you take only half the damage. If the Berserker is dead, the Hunter will instead use a healing potion, healing himself for 2 HP.

Roll 5: You stand close to the Hunter, and the Berserker charges at you with full speed.


1. option:Roll again. If you roll 3 or more, you make a side-roll, so the Berserker runs into the Hunter, damaging the Hunter for 4 HP (+ bonus damage, if the Berserker is below 10 HP). If the Hunter isn't alive, the Berserker will slam into the wall, and damage himself for 2 HP. If you roll 1 or 2, you get bashed by the Berserker and lose 4 HP.

2. option:Roll again. If you roll 3 or more, you slice the legs of the Berserker, dealing 3 damage to him. Roll again afterwards to dodge the bolt of the Hunter, if you roll 4 or more, you roll away from the Berserker, causing the Hunter to shoot him instead, damaging the Berserker for an additional 3 HP. If you roll 1 or 2 on first roll you get hit by both the Berserker and the Hunter, and you lose 6 HP. If you only roll 1 or 2 on the second roll, the Berserker is still damaged, but you get a bolt in your back, losing 3 HP.

Roll 6: The Hunter shoots 3 times in a row. Roll 3 times, for each time you roll 2 or more, you dodge a bolt. For each time you roll 1, you get hit for 2 damage. If the Hunter is dead, then it is instead the Berserker trying to swing at you twice. In that case, roll 2 times, for each time you roll 3 or more, you dodge his attack, if you roll 1 or 2, you get hit for 3 damage.


If you die: You die.
If you manage to kill the Orc Dorks: Go to "21".
17

You successfully sneak past the sleeping Orc Dork.

Woa, quiet like a ninja with cotton-feet are we? Aight. You now enter a room. It's partly an office, but also a dungeon. There are big 3 cages. And there's a... oh wait, is that another Orc Dork sleeping over in that chair over there? But with a crossbow? Oh boy. Is it time to go assassins creed on this goon or what?


Go to:

22: If you wish to let the fella schleep.

23: If you wish to SLASH HIS DAMN THROAT, but "quiet"... so all the blood RUNS DOWN HIS LIFELESS BODY AHAHAHAHAHAHA!
18

You leave the wine cellar (You cannot return this room again).

Alrighty then, what now deucebag?



Back in the dark room, with the two doors. You can see them because light is coming out the crack below. Where are ya gonna go doofus? Obviously not the right door again, since I told you not to.


Go to:

4: If you wish to try to open the door on the right. (No longer an option, the door is magically sealed now, for reasons unknown)
5: If you wish to try to open the door on the left.
6: If you wish to go back to the ladder-room.
19

You get ready to fight a... chalice... named "Alice".

This is the legendary "Alice, The Chalice Of Malice", the evil overlord of wine and soda. Yes, it controls your pepsi too, so if you're drinking pepsi while fighting this thing, you better get that stuff away IMMIDIATELY. Because this fella is one of the worst demons to ever haunt a cellar/basement, ever. Oh yea, and also, I should probably tell you, this thing makes its wine, soda, juice and smoothies out of the blood of its victims. Yea... yea it's not so good...



"Ahahahaha! I will DRINK YOUR SOUL FOOL! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! HONHONHONHON!"

Alice, The Chalice Of Malice has 35 HP


+ Poison is the cure?, throughout the fight, Alice will try to damage you with different sorts of beverages. If Alice hits you with one type of beverage, you get cursed, so that if the next beverage you are hit with, isn't the same beverage, you lose 1 additional HP on Alice's next attack on you. This effect stacks, meaning, if you get hit with "Merciless Merlot", then "PiNOT Noir" and then "Cham'PAIN", you lose 1 HP from the PiNOT but 2 HP from the Cham'PAIN. If you are hit with the same beverage, like Merlot and Merlot, then the curse from both the first and the second beverage is lifted.


+ Vampiric and vile, Alice is a quite vicious "cup" of tea... except not tea of course. It's usually blood or wine. Whenever Alice hits you with an attack, it heals itself for 1 HP.

+ Merciless Merlot, a beverage, which corrodes armor. When hit with a Merciless Merlot and also while under its curse, your armor goes down 1 point. Meaning while influenced by the Merciless Merlot curse, you take 1 additional damage from ALL other attacks.



+ PiNOT Noir, a beverage, which is poisonous. When hit with a PiNOT Noir and also while under its curse, you lose 1 HP each round for the next two rounds. This however also means, that the PiNOT Noir curse, removes itself 2 rounds after its impact, if not removed before that.



+ Cham'PAIN, a beverage, that simply hits you hard. Get hit by this, and you take damage equal to the last time you were damaged, + 2 bonus damage.


(Remember to play the "passives" and "abilities" of the encounters, otherwise you're just cheating... loser...)


If the dice rolls:

Roll 1: Alice shoots a bottle of Merciless Merlot at you:

1. option: Let yourself get hit, damaging you for 3 HP, but also removing the curse of Merciless Merlot if you are already affected by this curse. If not, then you are also cursed with Merciless Merlot.

2. option: If you have a shield you can choose to block the attack, but since Merciless Merlot corrodes, you must go down 1 point of armor for the next 2 rolls.


3. option:
Try to side-roll. Roll the dice again. If you roll 3 or more, you dodge the bottle of Merlot. If you roll 1 or 2, you get hit, and cursed. Unless you are already cursed, then you just get hit, and the curse is removed.



Roll 2: Alice shoots a salve of PiNOT Noir at you:

1. option: Let yourself get hit, damaging you for 2 HP, but also removing the curse of PiNOT Noir if you are already affected by this curse. If not, then you are also cursed with PiNOT Noir.

2. option: If you have a set of daggers, roll again. If you roll 4 or more, you block the poisonous salve with the daggers, poisoning the blades, making your next attack on Alice a poisonous one, dealing 1 damage per round for the next 2 rounds to Alice.

3. option: Try to side-roll. Roll the dice again. If you roll 3 or more, you dodge the salve of PiNOT. If you roll 1 or 2, you get hit, and cursed. Unless you are already cursed, then you just get hit, and the curse is removed.

Roll 3: Alice shoots a big bottle of Cham'PAIN at you.


1. option:
Let yourself get hit, dealing damage equal to the last time you took damage + 2 bonus damage, but also removing the curse of Cham'PAIN if you are already affected by this curse. If not, then you are also cursed with Cham'PAIN.

2. option: If you have a battle-axe, roll again. If you roll 4 or more, you slam back at the high speed bottle, making it bounce back at even greater speed and with greater force at Alice, dealing 6 damage to it. If you roll 3 or less, you get hit by the Cham'PAIN, dealing damage equal to the last time you took damage + 2 bonus damage, and you get the curse of Cham'PAIN. If you are already affected by this cursed, you just get hit, and the curse is removed.


3. option:
Try to side-roll. Roll the dice again. If you roll 3 or more, you dodge the bottle of Merlot. If you roll 1 or 2, you get hit, and cursed. Unless you are already cursed, then you just get hit, and the curse is removed.

Roll 4:Alice charges up a mix of ALL the beverages! If you are hit by this, you will get ALL 3 the curses upon you. And you lose 5 HP.

1. option:
Let yourself get hit, damaging you for 5 HP, but also removing all curses if you are already affected by them all. The curses you aren't affected by WILL be cast onto you.

2. option:Depending on which weapon you wield, you can choose to avoid 1 of the curses, as well as get an effect, as seen in roll 1, 2 and 3 with the special weapon rolls. The others you cannot avoid, will be inflicted to you, unless of course, you already have them on you, then they're cured.

3. option: Try to roll up and interrupt Alice, by punching it in the eye. Roll the dice again, if you roll 4 or more, you punch it in the eye, damaging it for 3 HP, and also causing it to miss its next attack. If you roll 3 or less, you get hit by it all.

Roll 5:Alice is brewing up something, while it is distracted, you punch it for 3 damage.

Roll 6: Alice shoots an eye-beam of wine. Roll 3 times, each time you roll 3 or more, you dodge the beam and damage Alice for 1 damage. Each time you roll 1 or 2, you lose 2 HP instead.


If you die: You die.
If you manage to murder malice itself: Go to "20".
20

You defeated the chalice of malice, named Alice.

Wow. Respect bro. That's some pretty cool demon-slaying action. However compared to Evil Dead, you are nowhere near an "Ash Williams". You didn't make ANY cool catchphrases while fighting it OR when you finished it off, which is why I instead of rewarding you with legendary loot, only reward you with somewhat "rare" loot. I guess...





Choose 1 item to acquire:

- "Ruby Blade " (Short-sword), gives you + 1 damage to your attacks, and also, when used in a "shield" interaction in battle, you gain a barrier of cursed wine, which damages the next enemies attacking you on their next attack-roll for 1 damage.
- "Ring Of The Merciless Merlot" (Ring), can be used only once per fight to break ALL armor of your enemy for your next attack. After you've attacked your enemy, it regains its armor again.

You also acquire this item:


- "Ruby Chalice" - Worth 250 Gold coins. There is something weird about this chalice though, despite having driven out the demon...



When the choice is made, go to "18". You cannot return to the wine-cellar again.
21

You defeated the dumb Orc Dorks.

That was totally unfair. Their cousin is on a vacation in the "Brutal Barbed And Bladed Mountains". If he was here, you would have gotten your hams whooped.




Item acquired:


- "Iron Skin Potion" - Can be used one time only. When used, you gain + 1 armor for the next three rolls/rounds in a fight.



Go to "24".
22

You choose to let him schleep a wittle Worty schleep.

What a god damn coward you are. But hey... it is an RPG, who am I to judge? Oh wait, that's right. I'm the game-master. I AM here to JUDGE you. And all you can do, is just take it all in dork.



Anyways. You enter the room, slowly. There is a key on the table, made of... dried intestines? Neat. But suddenly the cages rattle:



"YO! DUDE! LET ME OUT OF HERE! THEY TICKLE MY BELLYBUTTON WITH A HAMMER MADE OF FOSSILIZED CARCHARODONTOSAURUS DOOKIE EVERY DAY! I CAN'T STAND IT IN HERE ANYMORE!".



Another prisoner then shouts out:



"SHUT UP CARL, YOU'RE JUST A DAMNED HOB-TROGLODYTE, NO ONE CARES ABOUT YOU! Adventurer, please. Let me out of this cage. I plead you brave one... I shall reward you greatly... though... only if you do not let out Carl too. I can't stand this guy".



Carl then goes:



"Woah, well, glad to disappoint you, twig-armed son of a tree. Tell me brave one, are you gonna free... a filthy wooden tree-elf, rather than me? A tavern-crawling hob-troglodyte? I AM NOT 50% PLANT CELLS. I HAVE 50% MORE SOUL THAN THAT MAN! He's a bloody plant dude, and he is even named ROBERT, how distasteful is THAT!? If you free ME and not him, I will grant you a shiny red pebble... stone... eh... rock? I found it in here, it might be useful".



Robert Plant says:



"OHOHO! How brilliant! A RED PEBBLE! And just for the memo, I MAKE THE OXYGEN you BREATHE. That must count for SOMETHING too!".



Who will you set free?


Go to:

25: If you wish to free Carl the hob-troglodyte.

26: If you wish to free Robert Plant the tree-elf.

27: If you wish to free them both from this miserable hell-hole.
23

You choose to SLASH HIS DAMNED FILTHY NON-WASHED, PATHOGEN-BATHED THROAT.

Before you let the blade slide over his throat, the Orc Dork wakes up and lets out a squeal... kinda like a pig. It wakes up the other orc in the hallway. You're in for a fight.


Go to "16" and fight the Orc, BUT, remember, the "Orc Dork Hunter" is dead throughout this fight now.
24

Nice, let's get on with this...

Finally. Where did we come from?... Oh yeah! You now enter a room. It's partly an office, but also a dungeon. There are big 3 cages. And there's a desk-table.



There is a key on the table, made of... dried intestines? Neat. But suddenly the cages rattle:



"YO! DUDE! LET ME OUT OF HERE! THEY TICKLE MY BELLYBUTTON WITH A HAMMER MADE OF FOSSILIZED CARCHARODONTOSAURUS DOOKIE EVERY DAY! I CAN'T STAND IT IN HERE ANYMORE!".



Another prisoner then shouts out:



"SHUT UP CARL, YOU'RE JUST A DAMNED HOB-TROGLODYTE, NO ONE CARES ABOUT YOU! Adventurer, please. Let me out of this cage. I plead you brave one... I shall reward you greatly... though... only if you do not let out Carl too. I can't stand this guy".



Carl then goes:



"Woah, well, glad to disappoint you, twig-armed son of a tree. Tell me brave one, are you gonna free... a filthy wooden tree-elf, rather than me? A tavern-crawling hob-troglodyte? I AM NOT 50% PLANT CELLS. I HAVE 50% MORE SOUL THAN THAT MAN! He's a bloody plant dude, and he is even named ROBERT, how distasteful is THAT!? If you free ME and not him, I will grant you a shiny red pebble... stone... eh... rock? I found it in here, it might be useful".



Robert Plant says:



"OHOHO! How brilliant! A RED PEBBLE! And just for the memo, I MAKE THE OXYGEN you BREATHE. That must count for SOMETHING too!".



Who will you set free?


Go to:

25: If you wish to free Carl the hob-troglodyte.

26: If you wish to free Robert Plant the tree-elf.

27: If you wish to free them both from this miserable hell-hole.
25

You choose to free Carl the hob-troglodyte.

"HAH! Take THAT! Robert 'PLANT'! Nobody likes your kin around here! HOHOHOHO! Thank you weary traveler! Here, as promised, here's the red rock!".



Carl hands you over a shiny red rock.



Robert bursts out:



"I'll remember this... you will regret this day fool... the twigs and branches of the 'Jolly-woods' will come and strangle you in your sleep!".



A secret door leading straight back to the ladder-room opens up next to you.



Items acquired:


- "Red Power-Crystal" - Worth 150 Gold coins. It resonates with a strange source of energy... perhaps this crystal was used to fuel some kind of magic construct or mechanism?
- "Dried Intestine Key" - Can unlock a door.



You then go to through the secret door back to the ladder-room "6". You cannot take the right passage again.
26

You choose to free Robert Plant the tree-elf.

"Well well WELL, would you look at that Carl? Seems like this fella has got some sense, unlike you, numbskull. Your hob-troglodyte genes don't serve you well, hahahaha! Born to be a loser! Just like this adventu- erh... heheh... anyways. The reward".



Robert Plant hands you over a satchel.



Carl then says:



"One day... I will cook your knees, and feed them to my carnivorous pet elder-berries...".



A secret door leading straight back to the ladder-room opens up next to you.



Items acquired:


- "Lesser Healing Potion" - Can be used one time only. Heals you for 3 HP in a fight when used.

- "Sack Of Shillings" - Worth 200 Gold coins.
- "Dried Intestine Key" - Can unlock a door.




You then go to through the secret door back to the ladder-room "6". You cannot take the right passage again.
27

You choose to free both fools.

It's time for a fight to the death.



"Alright you bloody fruit-eating, grandma-skinned, dense dirt-licker. Time to show you how we deal with your kind back in Hob-Trog City!".



"OHOHO! I'd like to see you try, you primitive nail-eater. Very well then! Give me your best shot fool!".



The idiots start fighting, and two Orc Dork guards come running in to the room to stop this madness!



A secret door leading straight back to the ladder-room opens up next to you. It's probably time to leave, despite the fact, that it'd be pretty interesting to see who'd win the fight.



Item acquired:



- "Dried Intestine Key" - Can unlock a door.



You then go to through the secret door back to the ladder-room "6". You cannot take the right passage again.




Go to:

18: If you wish to leave the room (You cannot return to this room again if you do so).

12: If you wish to pick up the rest of the damned cups, lol.

13: If you wish to pick up, and take a sip of the "mysterious mixture".

14: If you wish to read the note.
28

You choose to shout out: "Luki luki dookie, burning fire boogie!".

The runes upon the wall starts glowing bright green. And the door opens! Yay! You walk towards the door, and in comes a MASSIVE, boogie-looking demon with a meat-hook attached to a chain! Oh boy. After this fight, you're never gonna be able to pick your nose ever again buddy-boy.



Go to "31" to fight the "Burning Boogie Butcher".
29

You choose to shout out: "Thunder! Blunder! Dunder!".

And POOF! BANG! ZAP! You're toast!



You got struck by the lightning! For the next fight you enter, you start out with 3 less HP, unless you heal yourself up with a healing potion beforehand! Also, you're gonna miss your next attack, because you're so shocked. Lol.



Go to:

28: If you wish to shout out the words of the first note.

30: If you wish to shout out the words of the first note.
30

You choose to shout out: "Skidaddle skidoodle, this is a horrible doodle of a poodle, wearing slippers, tie and sunglasses! What the hell is this!? John, you were supposed to draw a rune!".

You hear a low "Sorry..." coming from the ceiling, where you just notice now, that some cultist, with the name-badge "John, no. 2" is hanging upside down in a chain. Bloody hell John No. 2... every single time...



Go to:

28: If you wish to shout out the words of the first note.

29: If you wish to shout out the words of the first note.
31

You summoned forth a mighty demon.

HAHAHAHAHA! You THOUGHT there was gonna be a "PART III" to this adventure huh? WELL THINK AGAIN BOZO! PREPARE TO MEET YOUR HOT & SLIMY END! I present to you... the "Burning Boogie Butcher"! A monster so vile! SO BIG. AND STRONG. That I dare say... not even Chuck Norris stands a chance against this lad. He's a 9th Dan in shotokan-karate!



"Time to boogey, you snotty little pork-chop! Be geez, you're going to die with some REAL NIGHT FEVER!".



Three Cultists also run through the door, and start chanting in some gibberish language.

Burning Boogie Butcher has 70 HP
Cultist 1 has 7 HP

Cultist 2 has 7 HP

Cultist 3 has 7 HP

+ Hooked on a feeling, sometimes throughout this fight, the Butcher will hook you onto his meat-hook. If you are hooked, then you cannot side-roll or dodge his attacks. If he attacks you, he hits EVERY time, when the meat-hook is attached to you.

+ Infested hook, you die if you are attached to the meat-hook for 6 rounds straight.



+ "Boogie-men" stick together, the Cultists empower the Burning Boogie Butcher. For each cultist still alive, the Butcher has + 1 armor. Meaning if all 3 Cultists are alive, the Butcher has 3 armor. Whenever a cultist dies though, the bonus armor, is converted into bonus damage. So if all 3 Cultists are dead, all of the Butcher's attacks deal + 3 extra damage.

(Remember to play the "passives" and "abilities" of the encounters, otherwise you're just cheating... loser...)


If the dice rolls:

Roll 1: The Butcher slings his meat-hook chain in a grabbling strike after you. Roll again. If you roll:



1: You get hooked to the chain, and lose 3 HP.
2: You get hooked to the chain, and lose 2 HP.
3: You get hooked to the chain, and lose 1 HP.
4: You dodge the meat-hook, and counter-attack, dealing 3 damage to the Butcher.
5: You dodge the meat-hook.
6: You dodge the meat-hook, and instead, the Butcher accidentally grabbles a Cultist instead. Killing it.



IF you're already attached to the meat-hook, the Butcher instead slings you into the wall, and you lose 5 HP.



Roll 2: The Butcher swings the chain all around the room. Roll again. If you roll 3 or more, you duck and avoid the chain. If you roll 2, you get slammed by the chain and lose 2 HP. If you roll 1, you get slammed and also hooked to the meat-hook, while losing 2 HP.



IF you're already attached to the meat-hook, the Butcher instead swings you all around the room, and all the Cultists still alive, raise their daggers to cut you. For each Cultist still alive, you lose 2 HP. If none of the cultists are alive, you get swung around, and the hook detaches, but you also lose 4 HP from hitting the floor with great force.

Roll 3: The Butcher forms his other arm into an axe-like shape, and the burning snot crystallizes. He makes a heavy strike for you.


1. option:
You place yourself behind a Cultist. Roll again. If you roll 2 or more, you side-roll, and the Cultist instead takes the blow, and dies. If you roll "1", the Cultist loses 5 HP, but you also lose 5 HP.

2. option: You try to roll behind the Butcher, and strike him from behind. Roll the dice 2 times. On first roll, if you roll 2 or more, you dodge. On second roll, if you roll 1, 3, 4 or 6, you hit the Butcher in the back, dealing 4 damage. However if you do have a battle-axe, you instead deal 4 damage + damage equal to how much armor you have yourself. If you roll 1 on the first roll, you get hit and lose 4 HP. If you roll 1 or 2 on the second roll, you only deal 1 damage.


3. option:
If you have a set of daggers, you can choose to dodge the attack without further notice. Roll again, if you roll 6, you throw a dagger into The Butcher's eye, dealing 5 damage.



IF you're attached to the meat-hook, you get hit no matter what and lose 5 HP, UNLESS you choose the 1. option, and successfully side-roll, then the Butcher's hit will detach the meat-hook from you, which only damages you for 1 HP, and still kills the Cultist.

Roll 4: You pull out the meat-hook, damaging yourself for 1 HP. Now you can swing the chain at something else. Roll again, if you roll:



1: You swing the chain at Cultist 1, dealing 3 damage to him.

2: You swing the chain at Cultist 2, dealing 3 damage to him.

3: You swing the chain at Cultist 3, dealing 3 damage to him.

4: You swing the chain at the Butcher, dealing 2 damage to him AND weakening him, so on your next attack, you will penetrate his armor and deal full damage.

5: You swing the chain at the Butcher, dealing 3 damage to him AND weakening him, so on your next attack, you will penetrate his armor and deal full damage.

6: You hit nothing, lol.



IF you're NOT attached to the meat-hook, you get to make a strike on any enemy of your choosing, dealing 3 damage. You can also choose not to.

Roll 5: The Cultists start channeling a healing spell on the Butcher. Meanwhile, the Butcher kneels down to accept the power. Now is a chance to strike. Each living Cultist heals him for 2 HP, if they succeed in channeling.


1. option:
You go straight for the Butcher, trying to damage him as much as possible. You get to hit him twice. Roll the dice again 2 times, each roll counts for 1 strike. If you roll:



1 or 2: You deal 1 damage.

3 or 4: You deal 2 damage.

5: You deal 3 damage

6: You deal 5 damage.


2. option:
You instantly execute (and kill...) one Cultist of choice. And if you're hooked, you also detach the meat-hook.


3. option:
You try to hit and interrupt as many Cultists as possible. Roll again, if you roll:



1: You interrupt and damage 1 Cultist, for 3 HP.

2: You interrupt and damage 2 Cultists, for 2 HP each.

3: You interrupt and damage 2 Cultists, for 3 HP each.

4: You interrupt and damage all of the Cultists, for 2 HP each.

5 or 6: You interrupt and damage all of the Cultists, for 2 HP each, AND also get to hit the Butcher, dealing 3 damage to him.


However if you do have a shield
, you will throw it like a frisbee, and hit all of the Cultists for 2 damage, no matter what you roll on 3. option.

Roll 6: The Butcher forms his other arm into a spear-like shape, and the burning snot crystallizes. He tries to impale you.

1. option: You place yourself behind a Cultist. Roll again. If you roll 3 or more, you side-roll, and the Cultist instead gets pierced, and dies. If you roll 1 or 2, the Cultist loses 5 HP, but you also lose 4 HP, AND your armor is lowered to 0 for 2 rounds.

2. option: You side-roll. Dodging the attack.



IF you're attached to the meat-hook, you get hit no matter what and lose 4 HP, UNLESS you choose the 2. option, where you now have to roll the dice. If you roll 5 or 6, you not only dodge the piercing strike. You dodge it, and then you entangle his spear-like hand, and then by pulling the chain, force it to impale himself, making him deal 6 damage to himself (no bonus damage applies), and his armor does not block any of this damage.



If you die: You die.
If you manage to kill the Burning Boogie Butcher: Go to "32".
32

You defeated WHAT!?

OKAY. HOW THE HELL DID YOU MANAGE TO DO THAT? HOW? HOOOW!??!?!?!?!?!?



I am growing SICK and TIRED of your DAMNED LUCK! You just killed, possibly one of the most complex encounters I've ever made. JUST LIKE THAT!? ARGH! NOW I HAVE TO MAKE PART III YOU STUPID IDIOT! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGGHGGHGHGHH!!!!! I HATE YOU! BLOODY HELL!!!! HERE!



*Tosses loot at you, hard*



TAKE WHATEVER ITEM THAT SUITS YOU, MORON!





Choose 1 item to acquire:

- "Snot-plated Shield " (Shield), gives you + 2 armor as well as + 2 HP, and can be used in special combat situations for shield-combat.
- "Chain-wrapped Condi-boots" (Boots), gives you + 1 armor as well as + 2 HP, and when you parry an attack with your weapon, you will afterwards kick the enemy, dealing 1 damage it.

- "Burning Booger" (Amulet), gives you + 1 damage to all attacks, and when reaching below 5 HP, this bonus instead changes to + 2 damage.



When the choice is made, go to "33".
33

You slowly walk towards the magic doorway which opened before you killed my beloved Boogie Butcher... I will never forgive you for this... but anyways yea... well...



Go to Part 3 - "Pit Of Filth"





Hope you enjoyed this adventure.

You can calculate your score here, depending on how many items and how much gold you acquired.

Fancy Pansy Ritual Knifes

600 Gold coins

'Soft Like A Badger' Boots

450 Gold coins

Really Pretty Gator Gloves

450 Gold coins

Talisman Of Toxic Rage

550 Gold coins

Crystalized Troll-snot Band

550 Gold coins

Ruby Blade

600 Gold coins

Ring Of The Merciless Merlot

600 Gold coins

Ruby Chalice

250 Gold coins

Iron Skin Potion

100 Gold coins

Red Power-Crystal

150 Gold coins

Lesser Healing Potion

50 Gold coins

Sack Of Shillings

200 Gold coins

Snot-plated Shield

700 Gold coins

Chain-wrapped Condi-boots

700 Gold coins

Burning Booger

700 Gold coins





Golden Chalice

300 Gold coins

Amethyst Chalice

400 Gold coins
CreditI stole this story from a witch I once slapped across the face, while on a trip to Jamaica.
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Comments : 8

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  • Shquaz
  • Level 17
  • Journeyman Dragonborn
  • December 14, 2018, 6:05 am
darn you burning boogie butcher!!!!
I beat Alice and the Burning Boogie Butcher AND the rattigator, In total with 1,750 coins
Good job son 👉👉
  • Peridot XJ9
  • Level 37
  • Artisan Professor
  • December 10, 2018, 2:26 am
Holy crud. This is probably the best I've done by far! Not only have I beaten the Rattigator, the Burning Boogie Butcher, and Alice, the Chalice of Malice, but by gaining the items shown in the parenthesis to the right, (Amethyst Chalice, Ruby Chalice, Golden Chalice (Yeah, I got all of them without hitting the "take all three" option), Chain-wrapped Condi-boots (It reminded me of you and the word "Bandicoot," which is why I took it in the first place. :3), Ruby Blade, Lesser Healing Potion, (which I used for the butcher boss, so I really don't know if this counts to the overall score), and the "Soft Like a Badger" Gloves) I managed to get a score of whopping 2,750 gold coins (2,700 if you don't count the used Lesser Healing Potion)! Man, am I rolling in the money here or what? x3

And as a response to that end message, I feel kind of bad for you that you have to make part 3. Don't sweat it, and take as much breaks as needed, my fellow bandicoot friend. :3
Nice, you actually figured out how to get around taking all the cups in one go, and still get em all. 😎👌
  • Peridot XJ9
  • Level 37
  • Artisan Professor
  • December 10, 2018, 4:25 pm
Yup, I must be a smart cookie if that's the case, preferably sugar, because those darn chocolate chip cookies keep getting all the spotlight with their crappy pop songs such as "New Chips Off the Old Box." I mean, seriously! What's up with that?
  • kitt-chan
  • Level 24
  • Expert Dragonborn
  • December 10, 2018, 2:16 am
Managed to get 1450 gold coins.....somehow
That's a fair amount. Depending on what items you've picked up, and which way in you chose, there's gonna be some special goodies, interactions and bosses in the next chapter. 👉👉

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