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Dungs & Dookies: Fortress Of Poor Life Choices - Part 3 "Pit Of Filth"

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Carcharodontosaurus avatar Carcharodontosaurus
Level 57 : Grandmaster Caveman
545
WARNING - This is a continuation of an adventure, you cannot "start" from this part, unless you have completed the part prior to this one.


Welcome to yet another Dungs & Dookies adventure.
You will need a dice to go on this voyage.




First, you need to know your base stats and inventory.

You have 14 Hit Points (HP). When you reach 0 in a fight, you die. If you win a fight, you heal up all your HP afterwards.


At this point, you have 0 armor. Having 1 armor, means you can minus 1 damage from an opponent's attack.


Right now you have a short-sword, which provides no extra damage. Other weapons and items can be obtained through your journey.

To keep track of your equipment, as well as your health and status in combat, you should also have a paper sheet and a pen, to keep track of the damage flow.

Now to your equipment slots:



Weapon


Battle-axe
, Daggers, Short-sword, Banana

Shield
(If you have a Battle-axe or Daggers equipped, you cannot wield a Shield)


Armor


Helmet

Chestplate

Gloves

Boots

Amulet

Ring



BUT IF, you have completed ANY prior adventures and claimed items from there, you may use those as well.

In case you haven't completed any of the other adventures, you can choose ONE of the following weapons:



Big Massive Awesome Double-edged axe

Provides you with a +2 bonus to damage, as well as "battle-axes" can be used in some special combat situations.

Thicc Iron Shield

Provides you with +1 armor, meaning you can minus 1 damage from an opponent's attack, as well as "shields" can be used in some special combat situations.

Fangs Of The Great White Spider Man

Provides you with a +1 bonus to damage. as well as "daggers" can be used in some special combat situations.



Part 3 - "Pit Of Filth"


Okay... so APPARENTLY you managed to defeat MY Burning Booger-man. Well heads up deuce-bag. This part won't be so terribly EASY as the burning booger. Oh no no. WELCOME TO "HELL" punk. You're about to get insides turned into your outsides, and outsides to the insides, as a 1000 rats with boxing gloves will be boxing at your outward-hanging guts. Sounds good to you? Well be my guest to continue!

You've now entered the magical doorway. And there's yet another long dark stairway leading down. You walk into the depths... As you reach the final steps, you see a faint cyan glow. It is snot-fire, burning around a torch. It is a massive cavern. And there are 5 different passages. The one in the middle has a large magical zeal, and torches by the walls. It is blocked, and there are 2 keyholes underneath each torch. The other passages are dark and uncertain.


Go to:

1: If you wish to walk through passage no. 1, furthest to the left.
2: If you wish to walk through passage no. 2, left to the middle.
3: If you wish to walk through passage no. 3, the middle passage.
4: If you wish to walk through passage no. 4, right to the middle.
5: If you wish to walk through passage no. 5, furthest to the right.

1
You choose to go through passage no. 1.

It is a very moist passage. Moist walls. Moist roof. Moist ground. And moist air. Why is it so moist? Who knows? Something must be creating all this moisture. But what could possibly make it so moist down here? Are you annoyed by the word 'moist'? Because I don't really care if you are. It is super moist here. Worse than a moist rainforest. Anyways, you finally reach the end of the moist passage. It is a cavern filled with glowing mushrooms and plants. All leaking with... snot? Mucus? It kinda looks like something the Boogie Butcher could've sneezed out, no joke man. There are 4 stones lying on the ground around a carved rock with runes inscribed in it. There's a purple glowing stone, a fiery orange glowing stone, a crimson blood-soaked stone, and a cyan crystal.


Go to:

6: If you wish to pick up the purple stone.
7: If you wish to pick up the orange stone.
8: If you wish to pick up the red stone.
9: If you wish to pick up the cyan stone.
10: If you wish to read the inscription in the carved rock.
2
You choose to go through passage no. 2.

You enter an empty cave. There's nothing here. There seems to be some cracks in the walls, that resemble the shape of a big square. Anyways nothing here.


Go to:

11: If you wish to go back to the cavern of 5 passages.
12: ONLY If you have received a magical scroll from the old gnarly goblin in part 1.
3
You choose to go through passage no. 3. The middle passage with an obvious locked door.

Did you not read a single damned thing of what I wrote you big oaf? You cannot enter here. It's locked dude. Capisce? There are 2 keyholes in the door, but as I would guess, you probably do not possess the keys yet do you? Thought so... go back.


Go back to the cavern of 5 passages If you have no keys, like I just predicted.

Or...

35: If you really have the keys. Don't cheat asshole, really, you will only ruin this magnificent journey for yourself. I really don't give a damn. (Opal Key and Amethyst Key is needed)
4
You choose to go through passage no. 4.

Oh wow! You're special aren't you? No one ever chooses the 4th passage! I don't know why, I mean... 4... 4 is such a cool number right? Good on you bro. You made the right choice.

Anyways, you go through the passage, and after a little while you get to a wooden door. You open the door, and inside, there's a nice big treasure chest ohoho jaaaaackpooooot. And there's a key RIGHT ON THE FLOOR! HAHAHA, OMG, this is too easy! Oh wait... what's that over in the left side of the room? Oh, just looks like a... BIG HORRENDOUS LOOKING WORM WITH TEETH THE SIZE OF NICKI MINAJ'S... uh... BASS-PLAYER (If such a thing exists in her music lol...). It has gotten branches and roots sticking out of its DISGUSTING body, and it's all so vivid and wiggly, yikes!

The worm all of a sudden says "HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-"

What you gonna do man!??!?!?!?


Go to:

13: If you wish to stick your weapon into the skull of that foul being! End its life!
14: If you wish to scream "HUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-".
15: If you wish to pick up the key, and try to unlock the chest.
5
You choose to go through passage no. 5.

Oh boy. You actually chose passage no. 5? Wow, okay... uhm... sure... go ahead buddy boy.

So you walk through the 5th passage, the one furthest to the right. It's getting very very dark. Darker than the lyrics of Cannibal Corpse's songs. That's pretty dark alright. Anyways, all of a sudden you just feel an urge to eat a big burrito, but unfortunately, you were stupid enough to not pack any food for your epic quest. That's pretty irresponsible. And suddenly you hear a voice in the dark:

"Ey, you hungry my man?"

Go to:

16: If you wish to answer "Hell yes brotendo, hand me whatever!"
17: If you wish to answer "Unless you got some uh... skittles? I'm good"
18: If you wish to answer "Foul temptress! Reveal yourself or be split in two!"
6
You choose to pick up the purple stone.

A great shadow seeps into your veins, aaaaaaaaaaaaaand you explode. Yea, you die. Start over dude.

7
You choose to pick up the orange stone.

Oh wow! Nothing is happening! Nice!


Go to:

19: If you wish to pick up the purple stone.
20: If you wish to pick up the red stone.
21: If you wish to pick up the cyan stone.
10: If you wish to read the inscription in the carved rock. HOWEVER, this will make you put down the orange stone, and start over the riddle.
8
You choose pick up the red stone.

You start bleeding out of your behind. And guess what. You bleed so much you eventually are nothing but a dry tortilla flat. You guessed it punk, you're dead. Start over.
9
You choose pick up the cyan stone.

You turn into Ice Cube, the rapper. You lost. You're done. Start over this adventure. Ice Cube cannot do jack shit in here. Like... what's he gonna do man? Shout "Check yo self!" to a big ancient fiery demon? Uh... not that there are any ancient fiery demons in this dungeon haha...
10
You choose read the inscriptions in the carved rock.

It's very vague message. It says: "Lift in the right order, and thou shall be rewarded. Lift them in the wrong order, and thou shall die mongrel".

And then afterwards there's a totally wack poem: "To end the darkness, one must light a fire. The flames of war burn in the pyre. Soaked in blood, one must cleanse with water. But putting out the fire, leaves us with darkness". What a bunch of bull-


Go to:

6: If you wish to pick up the purple stone.
7: If you wish to pick up the orange stone.

8: If you wish to pick up the red stone.

9: If you wish to pick up the cyan stone.
11
You choose to go back to the cavern of 5 passages.

Well, back at the start again eh? You aren't much of a dungeoneer are ya? You ain't got what it takes do ya? Haha, wimp.


Go to:

1: If you wish to walk through passage no. 1, furthest to the left.
2: If you wish to walk through passage no. 2, left to the middle.
3: If you wish to walk through passage no. 3, the middle passage.
4: If you wish to walk through passage no. 4, right to the middle.
5: If you wish to walk through passage no. 5, furthest to the right.
12
You bring forth the magic scroll you've acquired from the old gnarly goblin.

There's a big drawing of a goblin in a bikini inside the scroll... typical... the goblin gave you the wrong scro- wait... the drawing starts to glow, and now the little goblin in bikini is dancing. All of a sudden, you hear the secret door opening! Oh boy!


Go to Special Encounter - "Lair Of The Bowelbear"
( This link will make you travel to the side-quest! )

- Note; Should you go here, you do not restart this part of the adventure when you return to Part 3 "Pit Of Filth". It continues from where you left off, nothing is reset, unless you die, meaning you have to start over on this part.

Or...

11: If you wish to go back to the room of 5 passages. You can return to this room again whenever you return to the room of 5 passages, unless you've already completed this Special Encounter.
13
You choose to stick your weapon into the skull of the foul beast!

You put the beast out of its misery, however this just triggered an even worse encounter, idiot... The tree within the worm is a 'Meat-eating Tree'. By killing the worm, you just gave the tree extra power, so now you face an EMPOWERED; Meat-eating Tree!


Go to "22" to fight the EMPOWERED "Meat-eating Tree".
14
You choose to scream "HUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-".

"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELP!" Screams the worm. Clearly it is in pain.

"This tree is EATING ME! It ate my WIFE! It ate my 13842 CHILDREN! And now it EAT ME! HELP!".

Will you save this low-life scum-worm?


Go to:

13: If you wish to stick your weapon into the skull of that foul being! End its life!
23: If you wish to try and help the worm.
15: If you wish to pick up the key, and try to unlock the chest.
15
You choose to pick up the key and try to unlock the chest.

Bah. The key doesn't fit to this chest. Maybe that stupid-looking worm ate it, just like it probably ate that helpless tree over there.

The thing is still screaming, it's horrible! Who does it think it is!? Rob Halford?!?


Item acquired:

- "Opal Key" - Can unlock a door.


Go to:

13: If you wish to stick your weapon into the skull of that foul being! End its life!
23: If you wish to try and help the worm.
24: If you wish to leave with the key. (You cannot return to passage no. 4 again if you do so)
16
You choose to answer "Hell yes brotendo! Hand me whatever!".

All of a sudden, a bunch of torches light up, and you realize you're inside a room... with a Grotto Hag!

The hag hands you an item; "Here, take this".

She gives you a bottle with a red substance in it. On the bottle-sticker it says "Hell's Ass On Flask". It's a hotsauce clearly.

"That'll be 200 gold coins". Say whaaaaaaaaaaat???


Item acquired:

- "Hell's Ass On Flask" (Potion), can be used 1 time during combat. Once consumed, this item is used up, and cannot be used again. When consumed, you breathe out fire, damaging ALL current enemies for 5 damage. And after that, you gain +1 bonus damage on your next 2 attacks.


Go to:

25: If you wish to say "Thanks!", pay the hag 200 gold coins, and leave to the room of 5 passages. (Doing this will result in you losing 200 gold coins of your total score, once done with this adventure. You cannot return to passage no. 4 again if you do so)
26: If you wish to say "Not a chance foul hag! Prepare to die!".
27: If you wish to say "Uh... got anything else?" (Doing this will result in you losing the item, but you will instead be presented a new variety of items to buy).
17
You choose to say "Unless you got some uh... skittles? I'm good".

All of a sudden, a bunch of torches light up, and you realize you're inside a room... with a Grotto Hag!

The hag hands you an item; "Here, take this".

She gives you a tiny paper-bag. There's a sticker on it saying; "Smelly Beans".

"Yea sorry, ain't got any skittles dude. But that'll be 150 gold coins". Say whaaaaaaaaaaat???


Item acquired:

- "Smelly Beans" (Food), can be used 1 time during combat. Once consumed, this item is used up, and cannot be used again. When consumed you let out a fart so bad, that all enemies during your encounter are stunned, meaning you get to repeat the last action you made 1 time.


Go to:

25: If you wish to say "Thanks!", pay the hag 200 gold coins, and leave to the room of 5 passages. (Doing this will result in you losing 200 gold coins of your total score, once done with this adventure. You cannot return to passage no. 4 again if you do so)
26: If you wish to say "Not a chance foul hag! Prepare to die!".
27: If you wish to say "Uh... got anything else?" (Doing this will result in you losing the item, but you will instead be presented a new variety of items to buy).
18
You choose to say "Foul temptress! Reveal yourself or be split in two!".

All of a sudden, a bunch of torches light up, and you realize you're inside a room... with a Grotto Hag!

The hag screams at you; "WATCH YOUR MOUTH TWERP, THIS HOT MOMMA's GOT MEATPIES MADE FROM ENDANGERED SEA-TURTLES IN THE OVEN, AND THEY ARE NOT FOR YOU!".

Alright. It's on. You gotta fight this hag bro.


Go to "28" to fight the "Grotto Hag".
19
You choose to pick up the purple stone.

A great shadow seeps into your veins, aaaaaaaaaaaaaand you explode. Yea, you die. Start over dude.

20
You choose to pick up the red stone.

Hell yes! You didn't die again! Nice one! Keep it up sport!


Go to:

29: If you wish to pick up the purple stone.
30: If you wish to pick up the cyan stone.
10: If you wish to read the inscription in the carved rock. HOWEVER, this will make you put down the red stone, and start over the riddle.
21
You choose pick up the cyan stone.

You turn into Ice Cube, the rapper. You lost. You're done. Start over this adventure. Ice Cube cannot do jack shit in here. Like... what's he gonna do man? Shout "Check yo self!" to a big ancient fiery demon? Uh... not that there are any ancient fiery demons in this dungeon haha...
22
You choose to fight the EMPOWERED Meat-eating Tree.

Oh boy... you really done did it now man. This tree has sucked the worm dry. Now it's your turn to be its milkshake brotendo.

Meat-eating Tree has 70 HP

+ EMPOWERED Tiger-devouring Woods, sometimes throughout this fight, the Meat-eating Tree will spawn Saplings. These Saplings attack whenever the tree attacks. Each Sapling has 4 HP, and deals 2 damage on attack. However, this damage CANNOT be blocked by armor. If the tree attacks, all Saplings still alive, will attack with it.

+ Mark Of The Dark Bark, the Meat-eating Tree has tough bark, and it regenerates. The tree starts out with 3 armor. Meaning when you attack the tree, it will block 3 damage. However once you've attacked once, the bark is broken, and it loses all armor. For each round you do not hit with an attack, the tree builds up +1 armor, which stacks until the armor is lost, when you've attacked it once again.


(Remember to play the "passives" and "abilities" of the encounters, otherwise you're just cheating... loser...)


If the dice rolls:

Roll 1: The Meat-eating Tree lashes out for you with a thick branch. Roll again, if you roll:

1: You get hit, and lose 6 HP, AND none of the damage can be blocked by armor.
2: You get hit, and lose 6 HP.
3: You get hit, and lose 4 HP.
4: You dodge the attack.
5: You dodge the attack and cut off the branch, dealing 2 damage to the Meat-eating Tree.
6: You dodge the attack and kill a Sapling instantly. If no Saplings are alive, you instead deal 3 damage to the Meat-eating Tree.

Roll 2: The Meat-eating Tree spawns a Sapling.

Roll 3: The Meat-eating Tree brings out 5 living vines! They are gonna try to drag you into the Worm, and in thereby into the Tree!

  1. option: You let the vines grasp you around your torso, dealing 5 damage to yourself, however you cut the vines, and also deal 5 damage to the Meat-eating Tree.
  2. option: You try to dodge the attack. Roll the dice UP TO 2 times. On both rolls, if you roll 3 or more, you dodge. If you roll 2 or 1, you get taken by the vines, however you can save yourself with a second roll if this happens on first try. If you don't save yourself, well... you get eaten and die.
  3. option: If you have a set of daggers, you can choose to take 1 damage that cannot be blocked by your armor, but also cut all the vines, dealing 5 damage to the Meat-eating Tree.

Roll 4:
The Meat-eating Tree and the Saplings make an assault from two sides. You can now choose to do the following:

  1. option: You attack all the Saplings, dealing 2 damage to all of them (No bonus damage applied). But take 7 damage from the Meat-eating Tree hitting you.
  2. option: You attack the Meat-eating Tree, blocking its attack, and dealing 3 damage. But take DOUBLE damage from the Saplings' attack
  3. option: If you have a shield, you can pick any of the 2 options above, and block 3 of the incoming damage.

Roll 5:
The Meat-eating Tree starts to intensely suck blood from the disgusting worm via 4 roots. Roll the dice again, if you roll:


1: You don't cut the roots for shit, the Meat-eating Tree heals itself for 8 HP.
2: You cut 1 root, dealing 1 damage, though the tree also heals itself for 7 HP.
3: You cut 2 roots, dealing 2 damage, though the tree also heals itself for 6 HP.
4: You cut 3 roots, dealing 3 damage, though the tree also heals itself for 5 HP.
5: You cut all roots, dealing 4 damage, though the tree also heals itself for 4 HP.
6: You cut all roots, dealing 4 damage, and hit the tree an additional time, for 2 damage. The tree heals nothing.

However if you do have a battle-axe, you will lower the healing of the tree by 2 on all possible rolls, and deal +1 bonus damage, if you roll 5 or 6.

Roll 6: You get a window to attack! You can now choose to do the following:
  1. option: You kill a Sapling.
  2. option: You deal 1 damage to ALL Saplings (No bonus damage applied). Roll again, if you roll 5 or 6, you deal +1 additional damage on this attack.
  3. option: You chop the bloody tree! Dealing 4 damage.


If you die: You die.
If you manage to kill the EMPOWERED Meat-eating Tree: Go to "34".
23
You choose try and help the worm.

You're pathetic you know that? Well, alright. You ask the worm "What would you have me do to aid you?".

The worm answers: "Kill the tree! Kill it! I will reward you good sir! I'm begging you, please!"


Go to "32" to fight the "Meat-eating Tree".
24
You choose to leave with the key, leaving the worm to die.

Brutal... but hey, I'd do the same. That was a disgusting creature anyways.


Go to "11" to go back to the room of 5 passages.
25
You thank the foul hag for her offer, and pay her.

Nerd, pff... remember to take off the amount of gold coins you bought for, from your total score.


Go to "11" to go back to the room of 5 passages.
26
You choose to say "Not a chance foul hag! Prepare to die!".

The hag screams at you; "FOOL! I KEEP THE GREATEST DEALS IN ALL OF THE CAVE-LANDS! PREPARE FOR A BARGAIN DEATH!".

Alright. It's on. You gotta fight this hag bro.


Go to "28" to fight the "Grotto Hag".
27
You choose to say "Uh... got anything else?".

The hag stares at you for a moment, and takes back the item she offered.

"Well" she says. "Have a look at my wares snotling!". She opens up a pop-up shop. You can now choose to BUY up to a maximum of 2 items. Buying an item will take that amount of gold coins from your total score by the end of this adventure.


Choose 1-2 items to buy:

- "Smelly Beans" (Food), can be used 1 time during combat. Once consumed, this item is used up, and cannot be used again. When consumed you let out a fart so bad, that all enemies during your encounter are stunned, meaning you get to repeat the last action you made 1 time. - Costs 200 gold coins.

- "Hell's Ass On Flask" (Potion), can be used 1 time during combat. Once consumed, this item is used up, and cannot be used again. When consumed, you breathe out fire, damaging ALL current enemies for 5 damage. And after that, you gain +1 bonus damage on your next 2 attacks. - Costs 200 gold coins.

- "Red Power-Crystal" - It resonates with a strange source of energy... perhaps this crystal was used to fuel some kind of magic construct or mechanism? - Costs 150 gold coins.

- "Warm Knitted Socks" - (Boots), gives you + 2 HP, and during combat whenever you aren't hit with an attack for 2 rounds, you heal 1 HP from being warm and cozy. - Costs 550 gold coins.

- "Lesser Healing Potion" - (Potion) Can be used one time only. Heals you for 3 HP in a fight when used. - Costs 100 gold coins.


When the choice is made, go to "25". (Doing this will result in you losing the amount of gold coins from your total score, equal to what you spent, once done with this adventure. You cannot return to passage no. 4 again when you do so)
28
You choose to fight the Grotto Hag.

Yes! The hag must die! Kill her! She turned my cousin into a hermit crab! Destroy this wretched demon-worshipping grotto-business lady!

Grotto Hag has 45 HP

+ Disgusting Presence, As long as the Grotto Hag is alive, you cannot heal yourself by any means. No potion can help you, nor can any of your items. Healing is out of the question in this encounter, cause... ugh... look at her! You'd puke up the potion dude.

+ Big Ugly Iron-hard Nose, It's a terrible nose really. She can smell your next move... sometimes. Whenever you get to attack/deal damage to her, roll the dice again afterwards. If you hit 1, then the ugly Grotto Hag foresees your move, and dodges it, not taking any damage at all.


(Remember to play the "passives" and "abilities" of the encounters, otherwise you're just cheating... loser...)


If the dice rolls:

Roll 1: The Grotto Hag tosses a mysterious potion at you. You can now chose to do the following:

1. option:
Get hit by the potion. Roll the dice again, if you roll:

1: You get hit, and for the next 3 rounds, the Hag's attacks will deal full damage, regardless of your armor.
2: You get hit, and lose 4 HP.
3: You get hit, turn into a hermit crab. The next two rounds you cannot attack, but meanwhile you get +2 armor.
4: You get hit, and gain +2 bonus damage on your next attack.
5: You get hit, and gain extra speed, making your next attack hit TWICE.
6: You get hit, and you're lit on fire. The next 3 rounds, you take 2 damage each round, regardless of your armor.

2. option:
Dodge the potion.

Roll 2: The Grotto Hag drinks a healing potion, healing 3 HP.

Roll 3: The Grotto Hag makes 5 copies of herself! Roll the dice again. Remember the number you rolled. You now have to roll again. If you roll the same number, you hit the Grotto Hag, dealing 6 damage to her. If you roll anything else other than what you rolled first, you hit one of the Grotto Hag's illusions. When hitting an illusion, the Grotto Hag takes 2 damage, but the illusion explodes, and deals 5 damage to you.

Roll 4: The Grotto Hag drops a potion, she tries to bend over and pick it up. You can now choose to do the following:

1. option: Kick the Hag, dealing 2 damage, and also knocking her unconscious, making her next attack deal 1 less damage to you.

2. option: Attack the hag with your weapon:

If you have a battle-axe you deal 5 damage.
If you have a shield you deal 3 damage.
If you have a set of daggers you deal 4 damage.

3. option:
Snatch the potion before her eyes, and use it against her! Roll the dice again, if you roll:

1: She turns into a newt! Making your next attack against her deal +5 bonus damage.
2: She gains a power-shield, blocking the next 7 damage you deal to her. This shield lasts until you've dealt 7 damage or more to her.
3: She gains +3 damage on her next attack.
4: The potion explodes on her, dealing 4 damage.
5: The potion seeps under her skin as an anti-healing salve, she cannot use ANY healing potions for the rest of the encounter!
6: She becomes weakened, dealing 2 less damage on her next attack.

Roll 5: The old Grotto Hag lashes out for you with her staff. You can now choose to do the following:
  1. option: Dodge the attack, roll the dice again. If you roll 3 or more, you dodge the attack, if you roll 2 or 1, you get hit for 4 damage.
  2. option: Strike against her staff! Roll the dice. Remember the number you rolled. Roll again, if you roll higher than you did before or roll the same amount, you win the clash, and deal 3 damage to her. If you roll lower than you did before, she instead empowers her staff, and hits you for 4 damage regardless of your armor.
  3. option: If you have a shield you can just block this attack. Lol.
Roll 6: You get a window to attack! Deal 4 damage!



If you die: You die.
If you manage to kill the Grotto Hag: Go to "43".

29
You choose to pick up the purple stone.

A great shadow seeps into your veins, aaaaaaaaaaaaaand you explode. Yea, you die. Start over dude.

30
You choose to pick up the cyan stone.

WOW! Still not dead! Keep it up, and you'll be like Keith Richards!


Go to:

31: If you wish to pick up the purple stone.
10: If you wish to read the inscription in the carved rock. HOWEVER, this will make you put down the cyan stone, and start over the riddle. You would have to be really dumb to take this action again at this point, just saying.
31
You choose to pick up the purple stone.

WOW! Can't say I'm surprised. Or well... A little. I still thought maybe, just maybe you were dumb enough to start all over. I hoped and prayed. But God never answers my prayers.

Item acquired:

- "Amethyst Key" - Can open a door

Go to back to the main hall again, you cannot enter passage 1 again.
32
You choose to fight the Meat-eating Tree.

Time to cut some blood-leeching timber eh? Or will the timber make you splinter? Guess we'll find out won't we you lil doofus.

"Kill the tree! For my family!" Screams the disgusting worm.


Meat-eating Tree has 55 HP

+ Tiger-devouring Woods, sometimes throughout this fight, the Meat-eating Tree will spawn Saplings. These Saplings attack whenever the tree attacks. Each Sapling has 4 HP, and deals 1 damage on attack. However, this damage CANNOT be blocked by armor. If the tree attacks, all Saplings still alive, will attack with it.

+ Mark Of The Dark Bark, the Meat-eating Tree has tough bark, and it regenerates. The tree starts out with 3 armor. Meaning when you attack the tree, it will block 3 damage. However once you've attacked once, the bark is broken, and it loses all armor. For each round you do not hit with an attack, the tree builds up +1 armor, which stacks until the armor is lost, when you've attacked it once again.


(Remember to play the "passives" and "abilities" of the encounters, otherwise you're just cheating... loser...)


If the dice rolls:

Roll 1: The Meat-eating Tree lashes out for you with a thick branch. Roll again, if you roll:

1: You get hit, and lose 4 HP, AND none of the damage can be blocked by armor.
2: You get hit, and lose 4 HP.
3: You get hit, and lose 3 HP.
4: You dodge the attack.
5: You dodge the attack and cut off the branch, dealing 2 damage to the Meat-eating Tree.
6: You dodge the attack and kill a Sapling instantly. If no Saplings are alive, you instead deal 3 damage to the Meat-eating Tree.

Roll 2: The Meat-eating Tree spawns a Sapling.


Roll 3: The Meat-eating Tree brings out 5 living vines! They are gonna try to drag you into the Worm, and in thereby into the Tree!


  1. option: You let the vines grasp you around your torso, dealing 5 damage to yourself, however you cut the vines, and also deal 5 damage to the Meat-eating Tree.
  2. option: You try to dodge the attack. Roll the dice UP TO 2 times. On both rolls, if you roll 3 or more, you dodge. If you roll 2 or 1, you get taken by the vines, however you can save yourself with a second roll if this happens on first try. If you don't save yourself, well... you get eaten and die.
  3. option: If you have a set of daggers, you can choose to take 1 damage that cannot be blocked by your armor, but also cut all the vines, dealing 5 damage to the Meat-eating Tree.

Roll 4: The Meat-eating Tree and the Saplings make an assault from two sides. You can now choose to do the following:
    1. option: You attack all the Saplings, dealing 2 damage to all of them (No bonus damage applied). But take 5 damage from the Meat-eating Tree hitting you.
    2. option: You attack the Meat-eating Tree, blocking its attack, and dealing 3 damage. But take DOUBLE damage from the Saplings' attack
    3. option: If you have a shield, you can pick any of the 2 options above, and block 3 of the incoming damage.

    Roll 5: The Meat-eating Tree starts to intensely suck blood from the disgusting worm via 4 roots. Roll the dice again, if you roll:

    1: You don't cut the roots for shit, the Meat-eating Tree heals itself for 7 HP.
    2: You cut 1 root, dealing 1 damage, though the tree also heals itself for 6 HP.
    3: You cut 2 roots, dealing 2 damage, though the tree also heals itself for 5 HP.
    4: You cut 3 roots, dealing 3 damage, though the tree also heals itself for 4 HP.
    5: You cut all roots, dealing 4 damage, though the tree also heals itself for 3 HP.
    6: You cut all roots, dealing 4 damage, and hit the tree an additional time, for 2 damage. The tree heals nothing.

    However if you do have a battle-axe, you will lower the healing of the tree by 2 on all possible rolls, and deal +1 bonus damage, if you roll 5 or 6.


    Roll 6: You get a window to attack! You can now chose to do the following:
    1. option: You kill a Sapling.
    2. option: You deal 1 damage to ALL Saplings (No bonus damage applied). Roll again, if you roll 5 or 6, you deal +1 additional damage on this attack.
    3. option: You chop the bloody tree! Dealing 4 damage.


    If you die: You die.
    If you manage to kill the Meat-eating Tree: Go to "33".
    33
    You killed the Meat-eating Tree.

    Oh wow, you actually managed to kill a plant? That's pretty impressive. Less O2 for all of us! Hell yes!

    The disgusting worm thanks you: "Thank you brave hero! You risked your adventurous life in order to save mine! Or maybe you just did it for loot... I don't know, but I thank you either way!"

    The worm unlocks the locked chest for you, and also gives you the opportunity to choose an additional reward:


    Choose 1 item to acquire:

    - "Wooden Chestplate" (Chestplate), provides you with +6 HP.
    - "Slimy Crown Of Meat-eating Branches" (Helmet), provides you with +3 HP and also, when you hit an enemy with a 'special attack', you heal up 1 HP.
    - "Ring-worm" (Ring), provides you with +2 HP, and also gives you the ability to infest you enemies with worms on your attacks. If you successfully hit an enemy with an attack, worms will crawl inside the enemy, and damage the enemy for 1 HP the next round (No bonus damage is applied, as it is the worms dealing the damage). The worms only last 2 rounds (Including the round where you hit the enemy). Also this effect does NOT stack.


    ALSO

    Items acquired:

    - 300 Gold Coins.
    - "Opal Key" - Can unlock a door. (UNLESS you've already picked up the key on the floor)


    Go to "11" to leave the room, and return to the 5 passages. (You cannot return to passage no. 4 again afterwards)
    34
    You killed the EMPOWERED Meat-eating Tree.

    Lucky bastard...

    Choose 1 item to acquire:

    - "Wooden Chestplate" (Chestplate), provides you with +6 HP.
    - "Slimy Crown Of Meat-eating Branches" (Helmet), provides you with +3 HP and also, when you hit an enemy with a 'special attack', you heal up 1 HP.


    ALSO

    Items acquired:

    - 300 Gold Coins.
    - "Opal Key" - Can unlock a door. (UNLESS you've already picked up the key on the floor)


    Go to "11" to leave the room, and return to the 5 passages. (You cannot return to passage no. 4 again afterwards)
    35
    You unlock the great magical door with the two keys.

    Oh wow. You actually made it. Well... Alright. The magically sealed door opens up. And once again, you get to journey even DEEPER into the ground! A huge stairway leads you down to a massive ritual-chamber.

    The walls are covered in runes, that have been smeared with the blood of 100 dingos, and 566 leprechauns. That's when you see a massive void gate in the great ritual-chamber. Oh shit... there he is! It's him! It's "Crystal Fingers"!

    He Turns around, and looks straight at you! "Speak your business mortal fool!" he shouts.

    Quick! Say something cool!


    Go to:

    36: If you wish to say: "Yo crystal dude! Pay your rent, or get served!".
    37: If you wish to say: "What? You lookin' at me? Huh? You lookin' at me? Are you lookin' at me? Tell me punk, are you LOOKING, at ME!?".
    38: If you wish to "Heyo man, big fan, uh, have you got some uh... pickled eggs to spare or something?".
    36
    You choose to say: "Yo crystal dude! Pay your rent, or get served!".

    Crystal Fingers looks at you with spite, and then replies:

    "Ah... damn it... the troll toll, cheesus it's this month? Bloody hell... Fine, take these 1000 Gold Coins, and beat it punk".


    Items acquired:

    - 1000 Gold Coins.


    Go to:

    39: If you wish to walk home to the tavern.
    40: If you wish to fight that son of a booger-brain, despite him just paying you 1000 Gold Coins to beat it like a punk.
    37
    You choose to say: "What? You lookin' at me? Huh? You lookin' at me? Are you lookin' at me? Tell me punk, are you LOOKING, at ME!?".

    Crystal Fingers gets angry: "Fool! You challenge the powers of the greatest cellar-wizard in the entire world!? So be it!"


    Go to "40" to fight the "Crystal Fingers".
    38
    You choose to say: "Heyo man, big fan, uh, have you got some uh... pickled eggs to spare or something?".

    Crystal Fingers looks confused at you.

    "... What?"


    Go to "40" to fight the "Crystal Fingers". AND lower the damage of his first attack by 3, because you confused him!
    39
    You choose to walk on home to the tavern.

    Well, the crisis most certainly wasn't solved. Crystal Fingers is still out there, but hey! You came back in one piece, and even scammed that crystal-crook for 1000 Gold Coins! So that definitely means, it is time for another round of Jackal Juice for you and the boyz!

    Congratulations, you completed the adventure, in one of the many possible ways.
    40
    You choose to fight Crystal Fingers.

    The time has come! The confrontation with the conjurer of spacey, odd funky crystals and really nasty smelling demons, is finally happening!

    "I shall make your teeth into coal, and compress your eyes into diamonds fool! And then I will have the hordes of demons under my control bite your ankles till it looks like you got some sort of allergic rash down there! That way you'll never score babes ever again!"


    Crystal Fingers has 85 HP

    + Crystal Mountain, sometimes throughout this fight, Crystal Fingers will spawn Imps. These Imps attack on a few select occasions. Each Imp has 3 HP. Whenever an Imp gets to deal damage, the damage it deals CANNOT be blocked by armor. There can be a MAXIMUM of 4 Imps active in the encounter at the same time.

    + Resonating Crystal Shield, Crystal Fingers sometimes conjures a Crystal Shield. This shield will protect him from ANY harm that might come to him, until the amount of damage it shields for, has been dealt to him. While the shield is up, he gains +1 bonus damage on all abilities, for each 3 damage he is currently shielding. So if his shield is at 6 in shielding, he gains +2 bonus damage, until you damage and lower the shield. Whenever he charges up the shield, he will stack any remaining shielding still left to the new shield.


    (Remember to play the "passives" and "abilities" of the encounters, otherwise you're just cheating... loser...)


    If the dice rolls:

    Roll 1: Crystal Fingers powers up a laser beam! Roll the dice. Remember the number you just rolled. Roll again, if you roll higher than you did before or roll the same amount, you interrupt Crystal fingers, and deal damage equal to the amount you rolled. If you roll lower than you did before, Crystal Fingers instead fires his laser beam at you, dealing the amount you rolled in the beginning + 3 damage.

    Roll 2: Crystal Fingers summons an Imp.

    Roll 3: The Imps start to throw fireballs at you! For each Imp alive, roll the dice. Whenever you roll 2 or 1, you get hit by a fireball, dealing 2 damage to you. If you have a shield and get hit during this, you can deflect 1 fireball, making it hit the a single Imp instead of dealing damage to you, killing the Imp instantly. Or turn the fireball towards Crystal Fingers, dealing 4 damage to him (No bonus damage is applied to this action).

    If no Imps are currently alive, Crystal Fingers instead shoots a fireball at you. Roll the dice, if you hit 3 or more, you dodge. If you hit 1 or 2, you get hit by the fireball, dealing 4 damage to you. If you have a shield you can choose to deflect the fireball instead of dodging at all, and return it to its owner, dealing 6 damage to Crystal Fingers (No bonus damage is applied to this action).

    Roll 4: Crystal Fingers starts to charge up a Crystal Shield, You can now choose to do the following:
    1. option: Ignore Crystal Fingers, and kill ALL Imps. However this also results in Crystal Fingers gaining 4 shielding.
    2. option: Focus everything you have on Crystal Fingers. Roll 2 times. What you roll, is what you deal in damage to him. Crystal Fingers gains 8 shielding before you attack.
    3. option: If you have a battle-axe, you can start spinning around the room like a tornado, dealing 3 damage 3 times. You can choose to distribute this damage to 3 units of your choosing, or focus on a single unit (No bonus damage applies to these attacks). Crystal Fingers gains 5 shielding before you attack. If no Imps are currently alive before choosing this option, each strike instead deals 4 damage per hit (No bonus damage applies to these attacks).

    Roll 5:
    Crystal Fingers commands his Imps to attack you. You can now choose to do the following:
    1. option: Fight off the Imps. Roll the dice 4 times. Whenever you roll 4 or more, you successfully kill of an Imp. For each time you roll 3 or below, an Imp hits you for 1 damage. If you kill all Imps that were currently alive, you become blood-crazed, getting an extra attack, aimed towards Crystal Fingers, dealing 4 damage to him.
    2. option: Dodge the assault of the Imps.
    3. option: Head straight for Crystal Fingers, dealing 5 damage to him. Doing this will however also result in ALL of the Imps hitting you. You take 1 damage for each Imp that is currently alive.
    4. option: If you have a set of daggers, you may roll the dice again, and if the dice rolls:
    1: You take 1 damage for each Imp still alive, and deal 4 damage to Crystal Fingers.
    2: You kill 1 Imp, and take 1 damage for each other Imp still alive, and deal 4 damage to Crystal Fingers.
    3: You kill 1 Imp, and take 1 damage for each other Imp still alive, and deal 4 damage to Crystal Fingers.
    4: You kill 2 Imps, and take 1 damage for each other Imp still alive, and deal 5 damage to Crystal Fingers.
    5: You kill 2 Imps, and take 1 damage for each other Imp still alive, and deal 6 damage to Crystal Fingers.
    6: You kill 3 Imps, and take 1 damage for each other Imp still alive, and deal 8 damage to Crystal Fingers.

    Roll 6: Crystal Fingers opens a rift to the 5000 Depths Of Darkness, trying to summon more Imps! You can now choose to do the following:
    1. option: You sprint towards Crystal Fingers. Roll the dice again, if you roll 3 or more, you deal 5 damage to him. If you roll 1 or 2, then you stumble on a rock, and fall face down, missing your chance to attack. If you roll 6 though, you make a critical hit, which instead deals 7 damage. Regardless of what you roll on this option, Crystal Fingers will summon forth 3 Imps.
    2. option: You try to close the rift with you bare muscular hands, oh wow! It hurts you quite a bit, the dark magic that is. You take 1 damage, regardless of your armor. Crystal Fingers will summon forth 1 Imp.
    3. option: Toss a rock at Crystal Fingers to interrupt him. Roll again, if you roll:
    1: You miss, and he summons forth 3 Imps.
    2: You hit him, and he summons forth 2 Imps.
    3: You hit him, dealing 1 damage to him and he summons forth 2 Imps.
    4: You hit him, dealing 2 damage to him and he summons forth 1 Imps.
    5: You hit him, dealing 2 damage to him and he summons nothing.
    6: You hit him, dealing 3 damage to him, and he summons nothing.


    If you die: You don't die... no just kidding. You're dead, idiot.
    If you manage to kill the Crystal Fingers: Go to "41".
    41
    You killed Crystal Fingers.

    Wow. Well, shit... I gotta make my bosses even harder to beat I guess... Maybe I was not made to be a game-master. You clearly own th- OHOHOHO HAHAHAHA, you think you're GOOD twig-chewer!? Tell you WHAT! This was the EASIEST BOSS IN HERE! THERE ARE 2 SPECIAL BOSSES, MUCH STRONGER THAN THIS PATHETIC WRETCH! YOU'VE ACHIEVED NOTHING! NOTHIIING!

    Choose 1 item to acquire:

    - "Demon-Summoning Beads Of Demon Shrink Heads" (Amulet), provides you with +1 armor, and also gives you the ability, to summon an Imp in combat. During an encounter, you may only use this ability 1 time, summoning an Imp, that deals 1 damage to ALL enemies, every time you deal damage. For each damage the Imp deals, you are healed for 1 HP. The Imp itself has 3 HP, and stays throughout the encounter, until it is killed. When you take damage, half of the amount of damage is dealt to the Imp. If the number is uneven, you round up the number.
    - "Crystal Finger" (Gloves), provides you with +3 HP and also, when you are hit with a deadly blow that would otherwise kill you, the crystal finger can store the damage once per encounter. If you defeat the encounter within the next 3 attack rolls you have, you don't die from the damage stored. If not, well... all the damage stored bursts and you die. As soon as you are hit by the otherwise mortal blow, you also gain +1 bonus damage on all attacks until the encounter is over.

    ALSO
    Items acquired:

    - "Red Power-Crystal" - It resonates with a strange source of energy... perhaps this crystal was used to fuel some kind of magic construct or mechanism?


    Go to:

    44: If you wish to go home, and claim your reward.
    45: If you have acquired 3 "Red Power-Crystals". ONLY if you have acquired 3 throughout this whole adventure, may you go here. If you haven't, play the whole adventure again in order to unlock this 'ending'.
    42
    You killed the EMPOWERED Meat-eating Tree.

    Lucky bastard...

    Choose 1 item to acquire:

    - "Wooden Chestplate" (Chestplate), provides you with +6 HP.
    - "Slimy Crown Of Meat-eating Branches" (Helmet), provides you with +3 HP and also, when you hit an enemy with a 'special attack', you heal up 1 HP.

    ALSO
    Items acquired:

    - 300 Gold Coins.
    - "Opal Key" - Can unlock a door. (UNLESS you've already picked up the key on the floor)


    Go to "11" to leave the room, and return to the 5 passages. (You cannot return to passage no. 4 again afterwards)
    43
    You killed the Grotto Hag.

    Well. The hag had it coming since the day she chose to become a hag. Hags must die. That's the general rule of any fantasy universe. If there's a hag; kill her. You made the right choice dude. She'll never sell hot-sauce and belly-piercings again.

    Choose 1 item to acquire:

    - "Smelly Beans" (Food), can be used 1 time during combat. Once consumed, this item is used up, and cannot be used again. When consumed you let out a fart so bad, that all enemies during your encounter are stunned, meaning you get to repeat the last action you made 1 time.
    - "Hell's Ass On Flask" (Potion), can be used 1 time during combat. Once consumed, this item is used up, and cannot be used again. When consumed, you breathe out fire, damaging ALL current enemies for 5 damage. And after that, you gain +1 bonus damage on your next 2 attacks.

    ALSO
    Items acquired:

    - 100 Gold Coins.


    Go to "11" to leave the room, and return to the 5 passages. (You cannot return to passage no. 5 again afterwards)
    44
    You choose to go home and claim your reward for slaying Crystal Fingers.

    In case you've forgotten, the earl of Mithnirithitinavikikik put out a reward on Crystal Fingers' head. You ride on your trusty mule out of the evil fortress, and continue onwards to the lands of Mithnirithitinavikikik, where earl "Ihave Curryin Mybottom" sits in his lean chair, dining with the finest of nobles. You storm the dining-hall, with Crystal Fingers' bloody, decapitated head hanging from your awesome belt. Ihave Curryin Mybottom gives you a judging, but acknowledging look. He then says: "You! You good sire! You deserve a reward!". And you reply with "Yes I do! For I have slain countless vicious beasts in the name of Curryin Mybottom!". The earl stands from his chair, and throws a couple of raisins at his stupid son, who's choking on a piece of boar-bone. "Your quest certainly has included many vicious beasts! It must have! Therefore, I offer you this scone, as a reward for such a good sport!".


    Go to:

    46: If you wish to take the scone.
    47: If you wish to take a wee on the earl's BBQ'ed boar for this disgrace of a reward.
    48: If you wish to kill the earl, throw raisins on his corpse, play the flute, and steal whatever money he's got in his pocket.
    45
    You raise up your 3 "Red Power Crystals" into the air.

    The crystals start to levitate, and then fly through the air into a wall, where a secret door now opens up. The ground shakes beneath you, and you hear a mighty roar from below. The new doorway in the wall lights up. Something dark awaits you below...


    Go to Special Encounter - "Demon's Poolparty"

    Or...

    44: If you wish to go home, and claim your reward.
    46
    You choose to take the scone.

    You take the scone, as a reward for your noble quest.

    Item acquired:

    - "Scone" (Food), can be used 1 time during combat. It tastes pretty good, but might actually be a little too old.


    You then head home. Back to the tavern, where your goblin gang awaits. But sadly, you cannot rejoice your party with troll snot or giant's toenail-crackers this time. They're gonna have to split the scone... What an adventure huh?

    47
    You choose to take a wee on the earl's BBQ'ed boar for this disgrace of a reward

    That's pretty bold. The earl is not happy. He shouts: "Bring me his head!". The guards then proceed to execute you where you stand. Wow. Would you look at that? You died. At the very end. You lost. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! HAHAHAHAHA! HAAHA! HAHAHAHA!
    48
    You choose to kill the earl, throw raisins at his corpse, play the flute, and steal whatever money he's got in his pocket.

    You kill the earl by ripping out your own spine, and then proceed to smack him to death with it. As he lies lifeless on the floor, you re-attach your spine again, with minor problems, that may need a doctor-visit. Then you pick up a hand-full of raisins, and hurl them at the son of the earl, the daughter, the wife, the lover, the brother, the uncle, the best man, the dog, the guards, the big ogre chained to the wall over a fire, the spider sitting in the corner reading a newspaper, and then, finally, last but not least, the corpse of the dead earl. You also spit on him, just for good measure. Then you proceed to start tap-dancing on his corpse while playing "Through The Fire And Flames" by Dragonforce, on a flute. You get a restrained cheer from the spider you threw raisins at, for such a marvelous performance. Once that is done, you pick up his wallet, and... woah... holy trogg-knuckles, that's a lotta money.


    Items acquired:

    - 1800 Gold Coins.


    You then head on home to the tavern. The goblin bois are waiting eagerly to see how much money you have earned. You arrive at the tavern, and the goblins are stoked. Tonight you will feast and dine like a pregnant balrog. And every slump-dog of the greasy tavern is on the guest-list. What a happy ending.


    Hope you enjoyed this adventure.

    You can calculate your score here, depending on how many items and how much gold you acquired.

    Fancy Pansy Ritual Knifes

    600 Gold coins

    'Soft Like A Badger' Boots

    450 Gold coins

    Really Pretty Gator Gloves

    450 Gold coins

    Talisman Of Toxic Rage

    550 Gold coins

    Crystalized Troll-snot Band

    550 Gold coins

    Ruby Blade

    600 Gold coins

    Ring Of The Merciless Merlot

    600 Gold coins

    Ruby Chalice

    250 Gold coins

    Iron Skin Potion

    100 Gold coins

    Red Power-Crystal

    150 Gold coins

    Lesser Healing Potion

    50 Gold coins

    Sack Of Shillings

    200 Gold coins

    Snot-plated Shield

    700 Gold coins

    Chain-wrapped Condi-boots

    700 Gold coins

    Burning Booger

    700 Gold coins

    Wooden Chestplate

    550 Gold coins

    Slimy Crown Of Meat-eating Branches
    550 Gold coins
    Ring-worm
    550 Gold coins

    Demon-Summoning Beads Of Demon Shrink Heads
    750 Gold coins

    Crystal Finger
    750 Gold coins

    Eye Of The Bowelbear
    650 Gold coins

    Dried Intestine Ring
    650 Gold coins

    Bowelbear Mittens
    650 Gold coins




    No more mr. Jarl1800 Gold coins
    Scone1 Gold coin
    Crystal Finger's rent paid1000 Gold coins
    Side-Quest completed: "Lair Of The Bowelbear"1000 Gold coins

    Golden Chalice

    300 Gold coins

    Amethyst Chalice

    400 Gold coins

































    .
    CreditThe gremlin that stole my toilet. He forgot a script for a very bad John Carpenter sci-fi action movie. I just altered it, and then KAPOW! Turds in words!
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    2
    07/08/2020 11:54 pm
    Level 37 : Artisan Botanist
    OceanFqsh
    OceanFqsh avatar
    wow this is like real dnd! great job!
    1
    07/09/2020 5:51 am
    Level 57 : Grandmaster Caveman
    Carcharodontosaurus
    Carcharodontosaurus avatar
    This is D&D
    This is Dungs & Dookies
    This is where skill dies, and rng is your god
    And you are a slave to rng, puny dice-roller!
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